I believe that if a woman gets an understanding of her husband, many of the marital issues she seems to struggle with can begin to have some resolve.
As I’ve sought to understand my own husband and men in general, I see that there are four general types of men: the passive, the abdicator, the dominator, and the one who is the confident, strong, servant leader who is clear on where he’s going and leads gently knowing how to get there (the guy in your dreams).
The Passive Guy
“Oh, where do you want to go honey? Oh, Okay. I guess that’s Okay, we’ll go that direction.” This leader has probably heard things like, “If you were a real leader, you’d consider how I feel about this and do what I want.” The passive guy not only didn’t have modeling, but his mom probably did it all for him. I’d imagine that he’s tried to “lead” but he’s given up with the struggle because he’s discouraged. His initiation ability is out the window. Unfortunately, he’s still leading by not leading. Passive guys are angry guys.
The Abdicator Guy
“Whatever, dear.” “It doesn’t matter.” “I don’t know.” This leader tends to be more silent and he definitely wants to avoid confrontation. This guy’s also pretty insecure. And his frustrated wife, who has tried everything to move the man, has resorted to a lot of subtle criticism and unwittingly has beaten him down even more. This guy might have tried in the past to say something but because he couldn’t get a word in edgewise, he’s just shut up almost entirely.
He just doesn’t have the umph to fight the fight for leadership. This guy probably hasn’t reckoned with mom yet. And unfortunately, he’s still leading by not leading.
The Dominator Guy
“You do what I say. Period.” Dominator guys are equally hard men to live with and yet—with God and in His ways—not impossible. They use anger to dominate and intimidate and often their mode of operandi is rooted in fear and insecurity. This guy hasn’t reckoned with mom.
Often, the root of their fear and insecurity stems from poor modeling with dad and can be from poor father modeling or a dominating mother, and now this guy’s determined not to be like his dad.
One thing I can say is that perhaps there’s been this battle for control (and it might not have been with his wife, but more so his mother—most likely dad didn’t pull him away from mom and he’s still trying to reckon with her through his wife) and all he knows to do is to demand and dominate. He’s afraid of losing control, so all he’ll do is control.
I’ve seen some wives beaten down from this kind of marriage and my heart goes out to them and my encouragement is to brace the crud and speak to the core. I’ve also seen wives married to this kind of guy who have no clue how to be their husband’s companion. Perhaps she started out competing from the get go. Unfortunately, he’s still leading by not leading gently and in God’s ways.
This is the kind of man everyone woman dreams about—the right one who is Mr. Right. Mr. Right is the gentle, understanding, communicative, romantic lover, and friend who is confident and knows how to be that servant leader that wives want their husbands to be like and think they are until the rose colored glasses come off.
Well, in my opinion, there is no real Mr. Right. In marriage, we become the right person from the good and bad times we grow through. When I practice my ABCs (accept, believe the best, and communicate rather then mind read) and when I work on showing respect and honoring the position of authority that God’s given my husband, the more of my Mr. Right he becomes.