Let’s face it; the stars were a little wacky in 2008. I couldn’t tell you about it because of the Astrologers Union super-secret celestial oath I took, but the stars were just setting the stage for the amazing things that are going to happen in 2009. They—the stars—are so far above us that they see everything laid out like a perfect little spreadsheet. As we move through January, let’s appreciate the great things that happened in ’08 but also look forward to the epically great things that will happen in ’09.
Look up dear Capricorn, because the sky is opening for you and this time you are getting more than that “good luck” bird shit on your face. The planets and stars are perfectly aligned to bring you prosperity in the workplace and in the home. The stars have also provided some ground rules. Just avoid the following things and you will take ’09 like Brad Pitt sans bodyguards. First, remember to stay far, far away from pyramid schemes (they didn’t work in ’83 and they don’t work now). Second, wrapping yourself in Saran Wrap isn’t sexy and “keeping your love life fresh” is a horrible pun. Last but not least, dancing Britney-style at work gatherings is only okay if you work by yourself, at home, or in a pitch-black room.
Ah … the new year. Time to write down your never-ending list of New Year’s goals that you’ll hammer away at for less than a week and then feel bad about when you can’t commit to them for the rest of the year. Don’t fret Aquarius, because this year the stars have set your goals for you. 1. Start every day by looking in the mirror as Stewart Smalley once did and say, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me.” 2. Stop caring about what other people think and start telling them what’s what—you’re what’s what! 3. Listen to “Age of Aquarius” as much as possible. Years ago, that timeless classic was ingeniously created so it could be sampled in ’09, giving you the inspiration boost you need. Keep your fingers crossed for Kanye.
This year will take off like you’re a fish hooked on a worm attached to a fisherman’s pole. That’s right, you are going to go after (and ingest) something that may seem like a tasty little treat at first, but soon you’ll discover it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Whatever you do Pisces, don’t pull a Jerry Maguire freak out. Just simply drop the bait and when you do, you’ll realize that you are now in an even better part of the ocean—one that’s more enchanting than that “Under the Sea” place where the snooty little mermaid Ariel lives.
You’ve got this month and the rest of ’09 by the horns. Yes, it’s a pathetic astrology joke, but this time it’s true. You’re looking good and feeling so strong that you could probably take on an American Gladiator or maybe even Chyna. This month you should celebrate your successes and strong being-ness by going after one of those guilty little pleasures you’re always depriving yourself of. Whether it’s another porcelain unicorn or a handbag that matches your plumb wine gingham pumps, you deserve it Aries!
I’m not going to lie to you Taurus … mainly because I’m afraid you’d track me down and beat the crap out of me. The stars know that you’ve had a bumpy ending to ’08, but before you start pointing to the sky, scratching your invisible beard, and saying “I know it was you,” realize that ’09 has many great things awaiting you. I can’t decipher all of the signs but I am getting a strong presence of loving consensual sex, snow cones, excess cash flow, and fondue.
The time has come for you to explore something new. All this mundane day-to-day stuff is sucking your life force. Pretend you are Columbus, Indiana Jones, or Willow if you must, and get outside and find something novel. It doesn’t need to be uncharted land or a new species of mutated Hydrangeas. It just needs to be something new to you. Like a new coffee shop, a new walk, a new bar, or even a new bartender. Just get out there and start exploring!
After New Year’s you will feel like Tony Little on crack. Nay, better than that, on crack and Quaaludes. You look great. The flossing has probably helped with the halitosis and pegged pants are coming back in style. So take advantage of this heightened energy and make some News Year’s resolutions with a little pizzazz because YOU CAN DO IT!
It’s a new start to a new year, Leo, and you should get ready to spread those giant paws around some great new things, like a steamy hot relationship, a new job, and some good old-fashioned wining and dining. Just make sure to recoil those pretty little claws because while hot and steamy romance revels on the occasional scratching, it won’t stick around if you are clenching the other person so tight that he is forced to start tapping Morse code messages for help with his one unbound member. Just a tip.
Look out world, because here comes Virgggggg-Oooooo! Holy crap Virgo. What did you have to do or sell to get a horoscope like this? My guess it wasn’t cheap and may have been sexually related. You’re on fire this month and the momentum will only increase (like a hot flaming fireball) through the course of the year. The stars show love, money, mind-blowing sex, and a television mini-series. Enjoy this success and all its glory because, let’s face it, you’re probably going to pay for it sooner or later.
You know the scales are in your favor this month. You’ve finally perfected the ultimate balance of personal time, work time, relationship time, family time, and Prime Time. That’s why it’s the perfect time to start doing something completely different. Take yourself out of the norm. Take an improv class, go hang-gliding in the everglades, dance naked in a church, or if you’re feeling really balanced, try chopping off all your hair and masquerading as a man at a competitive company or rival school.
While everyone is plotting and planning on how they’ll execute their New Year’s goals, you’re living the high life. Because this year, you resolved not to make any silly New Year’s resolutions. And the stars seem to love you for it. This month, you’ll start off strong in the luck department. You may even want to invest some time and money in Lotto Scratchers and fake nails. Toward the end of the month, your lack of resolutions will lead you to meet someone at the local bar who, coincidentally, has also resolved to live sans resolutions. The two of you will share a nice overindulgent meal at a place that neither of you can afford and you’ll probably end up getting married even though you both thought it was just going to be a one night stand. Cheers to living resolution free!
Okay, Sag. You need to figure out what you want to aim your arrows at this month. You’ll hit your marks, but you need to pick your goals first. Sure, we’d all like to have successful careers, red-hot sex lives, and killer tight bodies, but unless you’re “friends” with Elliot Spitzer, these are hard to achieve at the same time. The stars recommend combining your red-hot sex sessions with your workouts. This way you’ll have plenty of time for work and friends and you’ll finally appreciate the beauty of the downward dog pose.