I don’t think I could have handled it. Christmas was a sorry affair; I felt sorry for Daniel because he was still living and I was surviving. I did him wrong that first year. I pushed him away from me so if I lost him, too, I would be able to handle it. To this day I still keep him at a distance. My ex-husband’s drug abuse got worse and he started cheating on me. Daniel was caught in the middle. So in July 2001, my ex left me for his girlfriend and Daniel went with him, thinking it would be easy to do whatever he wanted.
Sometimes I feel like when I touch someone or let them get too close to me, I will end up causing them pain or disappointment. Everyone that has been close to me has hurt me in one way or another. So I swore I would not let another living soul next to me. Until I came to be with James I hadn’t. It was like he broke all my barriers down. Then I was so afraid of losing him that I let his family walk all over me. For five years I let them treat me like dirt. They would never do it in front of James. But I don’t know that he would have stood up for me if they had.
If my family ever said anything about him, I jumped all over them. I didn’t care; he was my life. I even gave up both my living sons for him. But, to be honest, they both deserved it for what they pulled. I had to repossess both of the pickups that we co-signed for them. My youngest was selling drugs out of his truck and my oldest decided that I could make his payment for him. He was making twenty-seven dollars an hour.
Look at what James is putting up with right now because of me, or so his brother says. They say that this is my entire fault. I know it sounds like I am always the victim, but it is hard to change thirty-five years of thinking that you are worth nothing and are stupid. I just hope that James can hold up under the pressure because in their eyes they did no wrong. I think they truly believe it. I am trying really hard to crawl my way out of this. I am going back to school and James is taking care of me, like my family should have so many years ago. He is protecting me now, also, and he said he would not let them treat me like that again. I want to believe him so bad because I have never believed in anyone else before. The reason I say this is because I tried to kill myself over his family and everything else that was going on at the time. When I got out, I didn’t know who I was anymore.
I use be a fighter and now I act like a whipped pup. I have no fight left in me. Oh, I talk big, but deep down I am sick to death of fighting. Sometimes I wish I had not come home because then I would be at peace. I want to live, but part of me is tired of trying to please everyone and wants to give up. I am reading books and doing what my counselor is telling me to do. I know that killing myself would not have solved anything because nothing would have been paid off. I just let it get out of control. I let them push and push until I could not handle it anymore and I snapped. I felt like James would take their side and I didn’t have anything else, so what the hell. I always keep everything so controlled, but when my sister-in-law walked in my house acting like she owned it, that was the last straw. I was to the point where I didn’t have anything to lose anymore. I had already lost everything. I called James to let him know what she had done and he said nothing on the phone. So I knew that he was on their side.
Then, after everyone left and he asked me what the f*@k did I get him into, I knew I had lost. So I told him again what happened and he said to stop yelling at him. I told him I wasn’t yelling at him, that I was mad and excited and when I got that way my voice just got louder. The phone was ringing and James said that it was his brother calling and so he ignored it. Well, Chelsea answered by accident and told his brother that James was talking to me and when James got through, she would tell him that he had called. His brother starting yelling at Chelsea and she told him she would hang up if he didn’t stop and wouldn’t answer the phone again. I took Chelsea home and told Jill what happened. She told me to come back home and try to work it out with James. In the meantime, James had told his brother to come and pick up their mom. He also said she could live with them if they didn’t like the way we did things. That is when his brother called me white trash and said that I was evil. I wish he would have known me about ten years ago, because he would have known what evil really was.
Anyway, when I got home James told me to leave, that they were coming after his mom. I asked him if I could stay there until I found a job and a place to live, and he said, “We’ll see.” He also told me to stick the Durango up my ass because I told him that as soon as I could, I would get another car because I could not afford the Durango. He stood up for me and yet, I feel like he made me pay for standing up for me. So I said, “What the hell” and took the pills. I called everyone I loved, except Randy, my oldest, because I did not have his phone number, to tell them I loved them very much and I was very sorry for everything.
James was the last one I called. I told him no matter what, just to remember that I loved him very much, that the last five years had been the best and I knew it wouldn’t last. I also told him that I was very sorry. He asked me to come home to talk. I was halfway there and then he called to say, “Don’t come.” So I turned around and went the other way. His son called me and asked me to go home and I told him that his dad had told me not to. At this point, I was numb and nothing mattered anymore. I went to a convenience store and used the bathroom and bought some water. When I got into the car, the phone was ringing and it was James. He asked me to come to the house and I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. So I did; I don’t remember the conversation we had, but he had called 911 and the cops showed up and so did the ambulance. They took me to the hospital and pumped my stomach. I ended up at the hospital in Abilene. When James came to see me, he apologized for not protecting me and I knew then that everything was going to be okay. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, but with James and Jill’s help I will make it. He and his brother have worked out a system for work, that’s all. I wrote this letter to my brother-in-law and sister-in-law:
I have tried for five years to be helpful, but I guess in your eyes it was not good enough. I do not like being called white trash, because I am not and I do not like being used. So James and I have decided that it would be best if I stay away from both of you. That way there will be no misunderstanding on anyone’s part. This also includes no longer doing the books for you or the hot checks as of now.
It was not ugly, it just stated the facts. You know, before my grandmother moved to Pecos, we were talking and I told her about the abuse again. She said she didn’t remember. When I told her about my uncle—her son—she said, “Oh well, at least it wasn’t intercourse.” That just kind of stumps me. But my uncle can do no wrong.
My brother still does not talk to me. As far as my oldest son, neither does he. I have gone through a lot this last year trying to get my act together since everything has happened. Somehow my story got on Google and it caused a big stink with my brother-in-law and his family. At one time, my husband actually thought I put it there on purpose to embarrass my brother-in-law. But the only place I wrote my story and let people read it was on DivineCaroline. To this day, they do not know how it got there. It was hard to go back out in public again.