Just realizing that working full time and going to school full time will carry me through a solid legal career as long as I can let go of wanting, or rather, needing to be in a relationship. I guess I feel stressed out with the whole juggling act; isolation gets to me. Being twenty-nine and attractive but no one to share that with in such a structured environment where I work, being constantly around older people.
I dream of one day finishing law school and hopefully getting into something more prestigious and carefree than the law, like fashion and/or acting. I dream of meeting a man who is into dressing with designer labels and has a heart of gold to make me feel loved. Right now, I am surrounded by intelligent people who have a passion for learning the law, but deep in my heart, it isn’t enough. I yearn to be free and to be beautiful without being criticized for it. I have changed into a conservative young woman who looks preppy yet beautiful, but it isn’t me. I miss the eccentric, happy-go-lucky me where I can mix any colors up and still be able to pull off looking hot and sexy. I hate being so constricted and repressed and wonder if I will lose my soul during these next three years of law school.
I feel like quitting sometimes every day because although I have accomplished a lot, I am still being recognized as just a pretty face. My ego has not adjusted to my accomplishments and I feel insecure and sad a lot of the times. I used to always know where to go and hang out in LA and ever since these past couple of years that I have been career-oriented, I don’t know what is fun anymore. I met this guy named Ben who I thought was the world and who would appreciate me for how hard I am working since he is very accomplished himself, but apparently he is wrapped in his Persian culture and probably his ex, who is my co-worker, has nasty things to tell him. And this is ironic because of the fact I was never attracted to Persians until I met him, who I truly fell in love with.
I am praying that 2009 gives me not the confidence, but the persistence to push myself into the person I want to be and become that. I am confident and cocky at times, but lonely because I haven’t met someone who can bounce off me and take me to the next level. I feel limited by my income and I feel like a failure for losing the condo and this $60,000 BMW that I had last year. My life has been up and down and I came up ahead and survived through God’s grace, love, and understanding. It came with a lot of sacrifices and I can only pray that he will allow me to push forward and achieve much more than I have ever dreamed of.