“But I don’t want to hurt his feelings,” she says to me. So she will compromise her emotional, financial, and spiritual well-being in order to stay with him and not hurt his feelings. I, like many women, understand the plight of these kinds of feelings. “I do” is probably the biggest lie I ever told. I said yes in order to not hurt his feelings. Why do so many of us lock ourselves in lives we don’t want in order to protect others? I smell a pattern. I can understand if you’re compromising for your children; that makes more sense to me than staying in a relationship, or a friendship for that matter, in order to not make someone feel bad. Let them feel bad. No one holds all the happiness for anyone else—even you. You can’t save that guy or make his life better by stopping your own.
I walk by the magazine stands at the grocery store and I see a lot more glossy ads for diets and dating than ads on becoming a whole person. It’s more like you aren’t whole without the mate, the baby, and the car. Go on a diet to look great so you can date that guy! Get rid of those toxins, prepare yourself for childbirth, get rid of wrinkles and gray hair …
I’m all for getting rid of toxins (and chin hair) and it is okay to get rid of them, even if the toxins are in the form of people! (And, of course, stop reading the gossip rags and blogs.) Do you have that person in your life that consistently causes trouble, fights, costs more money, takes up your time and energy, and you feel like you’re being sucked into a black hole when they’re around? Well, much like cleansing those nasty parasites out of your colon, it is perfectly all right to cleanse your list of friends and loved ones. I have seen many times how a victim of sexual or domestic violence will get stuck in a depression for a very long time and as they heal and become stronger, many “friends and family” around them don’t like the transformation. Victims don’t tend to want other victims to get better because you are setting a new standard and a new example. You don’t have to be a victim of violence to have experienced toxic people wanting to keep you stunted. I keep hearing women say, “I feel guilty” when it comes to taking care of themselves and their children first. My mother used to tell me that she wished that the words guilty and sorry could be removed from the dictionary. How many times have I heard from a lovely human about how sorry and guilty they were for being gifted, great, talented, and resilient. I’m going to have to agree with my mother to remove those words when it comes to your own healing and evolution. If someone is not evolving, it is very hard for them to watch you evolve because it brings up their issues of lack and limitation—not yours. So the question is, do you stop yourself and your own growth to make someone else feel better? To break away from old patterns, it sometimes takes a push in a totally different direction or time to learn a completely new way of thinking and behaving.
Riding a bicycle is a perfect analogy for breaking patterns. “Bicycling did more to emancipate women then anything else in the world,” said Susan B. Anthony. When the bicycle arrived, women began to stop wearing corsets and their skirts rose above their ankles so they could go “wheeling.” Of course in order to experience new found freedom, women had to learn how to ride bikes—much like you have to learn how to balance on your own two feet. Then you meet fellow riders who want to help you move forward instead of keeping you stuck at their level. It is a big red flag when someone insists that you not ride your bike, figuratively or literally. It makes for a much better ride when you’re all moving forward.
Get rid of toxins—go ride a bike.