I know I’m young and I don’t really engage myself out there (maybe most women do, some don’t … maybe … not sure of what you guys do). But I tend to wonder what’s really going to happen in the future. And where I will be, the boyfriend I’ll get (hopefully kind and respectful), and if I’m prepared for the real world. I think I am at fault for this; and then there’s the fact that I can’t hang out with friends for a while, and if I do, then I have to be home before dinner time.
Lately, if you readers have been reading of how I am with Tim, let’s say I’m done with him. He got his second chance from me; I ruined it. (Okay, so I was “shallow” or picky. But does he have to show direct anger at me?) But even then, he doesn’t even stick around to be my friend. You know those guys who are the “either I love you or I don’t, goodbye” guys? Sick … really. But I guess that’s what I have seen online. Maybe it depends on the games I have been playing. I often wonder if I’ll get the guy that matches close to my ideals/expectations. Some of my friends say they’re too high. Others tell me to stick to them. And then there’s my impatience of waiting for some guy to come into my life. My guy friends tell me they like me, it’s just that that’s all they are: my friends. Is there such a thing as having a cute guy friend? Gahh … I think everything just comes with time. If there’s anything I have learned in life, it is to not rush things. I confess to a crush and I get rejected. I try to get into a relationship, only to have it last less than a month, even a week. But then I sobbed a lot yesterday because Tim was telling me how being shallow makes you lonely forever. Isn’t that cruel enough?
Then there’s my own self. I have been struggling with my own emotions; I tend to get sensitive, cry a lot … I don’t stand up for myself. I don’t tend to pick fights or to even fight at all. Could that be one reason why I’m “used” so much? Or bullied around? I just hope someone can understand this feeling. A guy, girlfriends, anyone at all. I’m glad I have some of my friends for support.
So how do you women deal with the doubts? And another curious question: How does one become a devout Christian? I’m pretty sure God is watching me, preparing me for something really exciting to happen in the future.