Today I took a nap in my closet. Yes, my closet. I got the idea from an Oprah show; a guest suggested that we must have a sacred place to be alone, meditate, isolate. I agree. Except that I live alone and therefore should have no lack of isolation or places to meditate. But today was a sad, sad day for me. A man who I have an overwhelming amount of affection for has made it very clear that he doesn’t love me the same. That calls for napping in the closet.
The goal was to be away from everything. Sunlight, cell phone, laptop, life in general. I wanted to hide. I went in, pushed my heels aside, covered up with a blanket, and cried myself to sleep, which lasted four hours. I don’t think it worked, though, as I still feel knocked down and ashamed. Here’s the thing: I’ve always known he didn’t love me. But I hung around anyway. Grateful for whatever he wanted to give me. Writing about it now makes me feel pathetic, vain, hopeless.
I’m wondering who will ultimately have his heart and why couldn’t it be me. I’ve never felt so insecure in my entire life.
I know that people go through things like this all the time, every single day. In fact, I know I have been the cause of other people’s heartache. Perhaps this is payback (which scares me even more). I know that there’s nothing that anyone can say to me to make me feel better about the situation (except for maybe my sister, but even she seems irritated with my weakness). I can’t see the end of this tunnel, but I keep walking. And this feels like my first step.