Here I am sitting here at work and eating my lunch wondering to myself, “When is it my turn to find someone?” I don’t always ask myself this question, but sometimes it will creep in and remind me that I am alone.
Now, don’t get me wrong, for the most part I love my life and I have two beautiful boys to spend that with and my family is always around me. But I have never found that “one” person that I am supposed to be with. I have not paired up with my mate. Meanwhile, I date and have been in relationships and I have two children. But when it is my turn to finally have someone in my life that is for me?
The reason I am thinking on this today is because a friend of mine who I had not seen since before my six-month-old was born came into my office today for a visit. She was telling me all the wonderful things going on in her life right now. She found a job that she just loves and found a wonderful man that she has been dating for at least a month. He is buying a house and wants her to move in when he is done renovating it. She is the last person he calls before he goes to bed at night.
Now, I know some would think as they read this that this sounds a lot like a woman who is jealous of her friend and maybe there is a tad bit of truth to that. Okay, maybe a bit more than a tad, but I am happy for her. She has wanted to find someone for herself just as long as I have and I am happy that she has found someone.
My problem is, that as much as I want to have someone in my life, as much as I want to be a part of a couple and to finally have someone there that I can lean on from time to time instead of always doing it by myself, I don’t think I can let anyone in, even if I wanted to. This heart of mine has been trampled on so many times and this last relationship that I was in (that produced my precious child number two) was the icing on the cake.
I have had two children and both times, I was alone in the delivery room. It is hard to have a memory like that.
It hurts too much to let anyone else in. I am so fearful of it happening again that I end up making it where if anyone wanted to get close to me, they can’t because I have such a barrier up. I am sometimes my own worst enemy.
Whether I am at work or with my friends or family, I am known as the outgoing one and the comedian of the group. I have to be the strong one for my kids so that they know everything is okay. I naturally draw people to me with my warm personality and smile, and when a man shows an interest in me because he sees “me,” I withdraw and I retreat and he cannot figure out what just happened.
For too long I have laid in my bed at night dreaming of a man with no face that I will finally be happy with and spend the rest of my life with—that “happy ending” we all look for. But every time I start to think it, here is what comes next—and these are the different types of men I have dated and the reasons why I retreat with new potentials:
1. Mr. I don’t have a car so pick me up to go out
2. Mr. I have a kinky side to me and like it when women humiliate me (the horror)
3. Mr. I don’t have a job and I live with my parents
4. Mr. I don’t have a job, I am disabled, and I live with my parents, and you need to pay for everything
5. Mr. I am really married and she is seven months pregnant (after we had been dating for a month)
6. Mr. I am really into you, but cannot date you because my best friend used to but it is okay for us to just have sex
7. Mr. I like you in private, but don’t want to be seen in public with a girlfriend
8. Mr. I just want to be friends with benefits
9. Mr. EMT wants to be with me, but is always insecure of his lovemaking skills and his receding hairline
10. Mr. Drummer in the band that lights my whole world, but is too introverted and too much of a mama’s boy to make the next step (We were together for over a year, I was actually in love with him.)
These are just a few that I have listed but as you can see, this is no winner’s circle. I am constantly making bad choices in the man department; my mother’s always said that she thought it had something to do with my self esteem and you know what? I think she is wrong. I really have a good relationship with myself and know that I have a lot to offer someone. So why do I keep choosing the wrong guy? It is like Dr. Phil says, I am getting some sort of a payoff from it, but I am just not sure what that could be. I am not getting anything out of these relationships.
I have said a hundred times that I will leave it in God’s hands and let him bring someone to me, but how long do I have to wait? When will it be my turn?
My day starts at 5 a.m. with getting me and the kids ready. Then I move on to work forty hours a week and a job that sometimes can be thankless in itself. The I turn around at 5 p.m. and start a second shift with the kids of getting them picked up from school and daycare, home for dinner, do homework with my twelve-year-old while I feed the baby, get upstairs for bath time, and then settle down for a story before bed. Everyone is tucked in just in time for me to finish doing the dishes and last minute laundry. Then I change my clothes and lie on the bed at 11:30 p.m. just in time to go to sleep. I roll over and wrap my arms around my pillow hoping that someday, God will bring me someone that I can hug in place of my pillow.
I guess patience is a virtue I don’t have. But I will never give up the dream that this will happen for me and that God will bring me my prince one day.