I have written a few articles in my studio but this one is the most heartbreaking. My relationship with my husband has been tense for a while now. There was never any fighting—maybe some bickering once in a great while. Overall, nothing was going on inside of our little world that was out of the ordinary. We would have difficulties finding things to do together. We have been together for almost sixteen years. Right now we are apart, not legally, but my husband is not home with me. I have had my problems. I am disabled but nothing to where he had to care for me physically. I also lost my job, but in the end, he got a raise and I receive assistance. The money we get from his raise and my assistance equals more than what I made at my past job.
Details don’t really matter; what people have said about him does really matter and what he may have done does not matter either. What matters is his behavior. He did not really like to be around me. He was unhappy and he admits I tried everything to make things better, he tells me he will always love me, and he tells me to just hang in there. I think our marriage is over and he is letting me down easy, waiting for me to feel better. I have emotional problems—he does not realize that things like this take a greater toll on me than someone who is not sick. I don’t want to bash my husband or make him out to be a bad person.
I still love him. He even told me I was a great person and that he was not. He said he can’t make me happy and I deserve better than him. He stopped here today and told me, “Don’t ever think I don’t love you, I will always love you.” He then told me he loved me and hugged and kissed me goodbye, and that if I ever want to call him, I could … and he would be over in a few days to do some things around the house.
I have been told that I am grieving the death of a marriage, not the loss of him. Although it has only been almost two days since this has begun, it feels like forever. I sleep downstairs on the couch; I can’t bear to sleep in our bed, even if he is not here. The door is shut. His computer room … if I go in, it smells like my husband and I can’t stop crying. That door is shut too. I can only take things day by day. Who knows what the future holds. I have a feeling it is over, though. I don’t know how I will make it. I am a good person, kind, caring and upheld all my wedding vows; I never nagged and was always supportive.
I guess if it’s not meant to be, it’s not.
I believed it was; I took my vows and meant every word of them. I loved with all my heart and soul. Now my heart is so broken, so deeply hurt that it is difficult to just move off the couch. Typing this alone is a challenge.
It hurt so bad I prayed to God to take me with him because the pain is so much to bear. But then I try to think about finishing my degree. I am almost finished and would like to get my Master’s, then someday my Ph.D. I want to be an art therapist. I want to look as great as I can and when he sees me someday doing great, looking great, and having an awesome career—he can eat his heart out.
Maybe someday I will find someone who really loves me no matter what ups and downs come into our lives. I was dedicated to my husband. The only thing I did wrong was I had nothing in common with him but I was open to do whatever he wanted. I was open to doing things he liked and experiencing something new. You can learn by doing something new. But I think my illness got to him too much. I told him, God forbid he was in an accident and was in a wheel chair with a life long injury, I would still be by his side—but for him, he can’t cope with my illness, which hardly, if ever, gets in the way of his life.
Now I have to live minute by minute, hour by hour, and try to get through these next few weeks. If anyone could pray for me, it would be greatly appreciated. I know you all don’t know me but I am asking in desperation for some divine intervention. I have never felt so much pain in my heart as I have now. It is as if my husband has died. To be honest I have never been alone. Thirty-five years old and I am alone. Without the man I love deeply.