I don’t feel hurt anymore by all of this. This is what happens when you say what’s on your mind and disrespect others. I recently just had a talk with my father, whom I found it very hard to forgive. And very much do I want to be way better than he could ever be. However, he told me some real things.
We speaking, he said (paraphrasing), some people are just not lucky at all. One bad thing you do can mess up your whole image. You can be a great guy and everything. But you mess up, and any little thing you do gets blown out of proportion. He also told me, a lot of things you have to keep to yourself, because people will get pissed off, continuously attack you, and even try to kill you. I know exactly what he means by that.
The mocking, the humiliation, the ridicule, the false accusations, and the continuous doubt. I can’t believe how many times, I got misunderstood. They thought I was after something since the beginning but I never was. I was just being plain old me, all the heart in the world. I’d be lying if I said none of this hurts, it does a great deal.
You know, recently someone got mad at me after all this time, for trying to pursue his girl. But even had I tried, it was never going to work given the circumstances.
I’m a Nobody, broke, and I don’t know anything; everybody tells me. So it bothers me why he, given that the world is his, would even give a flying fuck about me. I recently tried to make an apology for that statement I had made long ago, and tried to explain to everybody that I was sorry and that I wanted to follow my heart even if it made me a fool. I made it clear I didn’t want to succumb to all this bull; meaning all this heat. Meaning I was not going to be defeated by all of this. All I wanted was for everything to go back to normal, and be at peace with those. Gotdamn I couldn’t even do that right. So the only solution is for me to delete all my accounts, delete my openness, delete any fighting back that is unnecessary, and delete any goals of helping make changes. Only Jesus Christ, and God can do that. The only thing I can do is first and foremost respect and follow God, and Jesus Christ. To serve them. And achieve my dream of being a great professional basketball player. Nothing more. And I’m not ashamed to say that. Something is up, and it’s not even fair. It’s hard; I wish I could face those people to talk about it instead of all this confusion. I do way better in person.
Come on man, I never even had a shot. Something been up, even before this internet stuff. I remember feeling something was up, since I’ve been writing essays first semester. Yes. Don’t front, it’s been going since way back then. Now I know how it is, and I’m going to make sure everything is on point. I’m going make sure I prove everybody wrong, and prove how great I’ve always been and that I was never up to anything or after any power. Y’all can’t be serious. I’m never forgetting any of this. No hate for nobody. I’m going to stop all that yadda yadda yadda, and make y’all proud and show y’all I was never evil, nor was I ever going to be evil. You all wrong.
Gotdamn, skip (my counselor in high school), I need you so bad to vent.