I’m writing this in the chance that there is someone out there who can make me happy. I’m a single mother of two and have been divorced for three years. I never know what lonely meant until now. I’ve done the dating thing and it never seems to work out, not sure why, just know that it usually ends with no answers.
I’m a strong person considering what I’ve been through; I watched my husband walk out on me and two children and there was nothing I could do but try to pick up what was left and make a life out of it. I since lost my four bedroom home, most of what was in it, and my self-dignity. I think I cry at least once a day and I hate to be in the car by myself; the music on the radio only brings back memories I don’t want to think about.
What if, two words that can drive you insane? Because those two words can leave your mind racing for days, months, and even years. I smile on the outside but my eyes are an open book. I tend to look right through people, as if I really don’t care anymore and maybe I don’t.
I catch a glimpse of what my life used to be, on every other weekend and then not only am I lonely, I’m alone for those few days. I wonder what God’s big plan is for me, because I’m not seeing it or maybe it’s because I have no faith. I know he is there, I’m just wondering how my life and my children’s lives of eleven years got swept under the rug.
I can say, that every time one door has closed, another would open, but isn’t that just life. I know that this happens over and over again to many people and some just move on with nothing else to say. But me, I wonder how some people sleep at night, I mean you know who you are, the things you have done to hurt others.
I guess you have gotten by now that there was another woman, if that’s what you want to call her. The one thing I don’t understand is that after all the hurt and the pain they both caused, they are so miserable, why? Is this not what they wanted?
I wonder sometimes is this what was meant or is that something you tell yourself so you don’t have to blame anyone or anything. I live my life so different now; it’s all about my children and me. It’s funny how the simplest things scare me, like going somewhere to eat dinner alone or picking a movie out to watch by myself. I know that sounds silly but since the age of seventeen there has always been someone in my life.
I have since moved on with my life and I’m somewhat happy or at least I pretend to be. I just want what everyone else wants, LOVE, and I have learned that it doesn’t come in a bottle and you can’t buy it, it just happens. The question is, when, and if it happens twice for one person?
I have at this time become celibate in the hopes that it will find me, is this the right way, I’m not sure, but only time will tell and I have a lot of it. I just hope that the past I have had will somehow make a great future for me and my children.