Now that summer is finally here, it’s time to pop open a beer, squeeze into that bikini, and toss another burger on the grill. With all the alcohol flowing and fun in the air, it’s not surprising that July is full of fireworks, and not just on the beach.
Pay attention to your health this month, Cancer. Your sign is strong, and you know what that means: crabs! Was it the guy at the beach party who charmed his way into your margarita-induced haze, or some other hot summer hook-up? Regardless, put on a wide-brimmed hat and some very dark sunglasses, and head over to your pharmacy to relieve that itch.
Time to get moving, Leo. I know it’s hot out and your inner lion is telling you to sunbathe on a rock all summer, but that to-do list won’t disappear on its own. The summer months are good for you, but you spend too much of your energy on personal matters without taking care of business. Drinking mojitos and napping all day does not count as work. Despite your lazi … tendency toward idleness, however, I do see an economic windfall in your future. But then, if you sit there that long without showering, people are bound to start tossing you quarters.
Mercury is powerful for you this month, Virgo, which means that your communication skills are strong. It also means the people around you will be praying for you to shut up. At work, at home, at the bar, you’ll make far more friends if you just smack your gums together and listen rather than commenting on their attire and menu choices. I know you’re used to having things your way, but letting those little criticisms fly during these hot summer months is a recipe for disaster. That is, unless you like having your coworkers slip Visine into your coffee and “accidentally” forwarding those happy hour photos to your boss.
Come on, Libra! It’s summer! Would you just get out of the office already? You’re making the rest of us look bad by wearing a tie on casual Friday and staying past 5 p.m. when we’re all planning to leave at three. The presence of Venus and Mars in your star chart suggests that you have some emotional attachment to your work. I’m really sorry about that, but it’s time to grow up and have your unhealthy emotional attachments to alcohol and cheap sex like everyone else.
I see travel and foreign connections in your stars this month. I also see you in the grip of a force beyond your control, as well as drastic changes in your physical state. You don’t need to be an expert astrologer like I am (not) to see what’s going on here: food poisoning. It’s a late night; you don’t feel like cooking. How much harm could one night of Chinese take-out do? Tell that to the toilet bowl as you hug it for the next week and a half. Hold on to your intestines, honey. This month is going to be a doozy.
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If you want to be a hit at summer parties, Capricorn, you really need to work on those people skills. You can’t keep approaching cocktail hour the way you would a work presentation. Cue cards and highlighted notes have no place at social functions. I know you like to approach everything methodically, but that pocket protector is just not helping your cause. Neither, come to think of it, are those sweaty palms that come from interacting with something as unpredictable as a human being. Try this: instead of worrying so much about whether people will like you, relax and they just might.
Lusty Aquarius, your animal magnetism is in high gear this month. You won’t even be able to go to the grocery store without encountering propositions for a little slap and tickle. With mojo rising in all of your houses, the best advice I can give you is to arch your back, flash those pearly whites, and enjoy the ride.
The stars warn against overconfidence this month. Risky moves, speculation, rashness, and foolhardy behavior can go seriously wrong. Danger and mishap are lurking in every corner. Take this time for introspection, particularly home alone with all of the doors locked. Better still, get in bed and stuff the covers around your ears, venturing out only to eat and use the bathroom. Require family and friends to answer security questions about your mother’s maiden name and blood type before engaging them in conversation. Don’t trust anyone—not even your cat. They’re all out to get you.
You’ll want to show off this month, especially when it comes to your material possessions. Apparently, you either didn’t get the memo or don’t care that half of your close friends have been laid off from their jobs and have had to move in with their parents to avoid bankruptcy. You can’t wait to flaunt your new iPhone and $400 sunglasses. I just hope your new Wii Fit keeps you busy while the rest of us learn how to reset broken bones for when our health insurance coverage runs out.
What’s the rush, Taurus? The summer months are supposed to be laid back, so stop elbowing me out of your way on the subway and in line at the coffee shop. We’re all going to the same place and will get there about the same time, so just relax. You’re not making any friends by being an obnoxious bully. Snorting with impatience and stomping your feet don’t get you anything or anywhere faster. Knock back some tequila, play some Jimmy Buffett, and chill!
You will find it hard to deny yourself this month. The fifth margarita, the third slice of blueberry pie, and the umpteenth nacho will all come home to roost. You’re in the party mood; no point worrying about calories! Summer’s the time to let it all hang out, right? Well, honey, you might not want to let it all hang out. Have fun, indulge yourself a bit, but do yourself a favor and hit the gym every now and then. Otherwise, your stars—and by stars, I mean your thighs—predict a bigger bathing suit size by summer’s end.
Molly Mann’s psychic powers stem from a general sense of overconfidence and desire to be right always. From a young age, she has offered valuable unsolicited advice to friends and family, and has found her niche subjecting the DivineCaroline readership to her unfounded intuitions. She channels her sixth sense with a devoted practice of reading trashy magazines while in line at the grocery store and maintaining a sense of hyperawareness through over-caffeination.
The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We’ll focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.