Every time someone says something ridiculous to me I think, “Hey, that could write well.” I rarely get around to crafting an entire article around a single quote. However, lest they all stay inside my head (which is good for no one, trust me) here are some for your general enjoyment.
1. From my mom after her most recent overdose of Fox News, “If Obama does not stop bussing Mexicans across the border we’re all going to have Swine Flu by the end of the week!”
At this, I can only marvel at all the random ways DNA can align itself. I am very, very thankful for my own alignment that has apparently placed all my mom’s genes in the recessive slot behind my father’s.
2. From my brother (who I truly love): “Do you believe in global warming?”
After my WTF pause, I replied: “Noooo. I believe in God. Science does not require me to believe in anything.”
3. From a fellow Stepford Wife after I disclosed I had taken my daughter to see the Hannah Montana Movie, “Was it appropriate?”
I replied (genuinely confused), “What do you mean?”
She says, “Any inappropriate sexual content?”
BIG WTF pause here. I’m thinking to myself, “I did say the Hannah Montana Movie, right? I’m pretty sure Disney isn’t going to let Miley lose her virginity in a movie geared for eight-year-old girls.”
I did manage to get out of my mouth, “Um. No. I thought it was fine.”
I walked away thinking, “Holy Shit. I’m glad I didn’t tell her I took both my kids to see Seventeen Again and my son’s new favorite quote is ‘Use a condom every time!’”
I mean, hey, if your twelve-year-old son has to have a favorite quote, at least it’s one that promotes safe sex.
4. From my Stepmom’s neighbor, “Don’t let your mom get any vaccines. Obama has had the swine flu added to vaccines to get rid of all the old people.”
No comment on what this might do to our infant and toddler populations.