So there I was, reading an email from someone I dated about a million years ago who was professing how he is still, after all these years, in love with me. Why does this always happen to me? This is the classic story; girl meets boy, girl crushes boy, boy and girl make up, boy then crushes girl, boy and girl part ways, then years later boy confesses undying love to girl when girl has long recovered from the whole thing. Son of a … I just can’t win. Why is it so hard to be able to get them to figure out that we are quite the wonderful catches we are until we are long gone out of the picture? Apparently I must be an excellent past-tense catch but more of a present-tense catch and release. Perhaps what I should do is throw this scenario into warp mode with my next victim- immediately tell him that I’m not interested so that he falls madly in love with me by the time the check comes. Then, not only will I not feel like I need to split the check in this scenario, but I might have a chance at a real relationship as well. This plan is so ridiculous it just might work.

Why can’t we figure each other out, us girls and boys? You want us until you have us then you let us go and years later you still carry a torch. We aren’t mind readers; we need you to tell us what you are thinking. Holding it all in does no one any good, anytime, ever. It just makes us guess what you are thinking, and you know what? We’re almost always wrong with our guess. So, in order to combat this growing wave of miscommunication, I’ve taken it upon myself to be uber-honest with people that I date, hoping to set a good example and start some kind of honesty movement with daters everywhere. Why so honest? Well, the problem is that in my experience, unless I go full torte brutal honest on them, and skip the diplomacy, I don’t get my point across. For example, a rational individual would think that me saying “I really don’t think we are a good match, but it was very nice to meet you and I wish you all the luck out there” is not code for “I want you to put your tongue in my mouth now.” Yes, that old diplomacy sure can bite you sometimes. Never again. Go brutal or go home, that’s what I say.