Remember February? Visions of ice cold beer, sweating in the sandy beach, and the sun slowly roasting flesh to a glistening, sweaty bronze … well, summer wishes granted!
In the midst of an historic heat wave here in the Pacific Northwest, I find myself getting Cat-on-a-Hot-Tin-Roof-looks as I scour the empty Popsicle shelves in not one, not two, but three different grocery stores.
At Target, a man in white button-down shirt and tie is fighting with a pregnant lady over what is apparently the last fan in the entire city.
On a gridlocked downtown street, air conditioners quit working and fluid is seen bleeding from beneath the cars, as people roll down their windows and strike up lusty conversations with the occupants in the cars around them. I even witness an exchange of phone numbers.
The summer heat is making us all a little crazy, but don’t worry, I’ve been penning some seductive astrological suggestions for you all and while working, I tried to ignore the Niagara cascading down my spine by listening to Touch and Go’s, So Hot. Go ahead, give it a go. It’s so hot.
Everyone knows about you and your ego, Aries. It’s no secret—not that you even care if it isn’t. But I know something else about you that may not be so commonly understood—you can’t resist a challenge. So listen up all you other Zodiac signs! During the hot month of August, when Aries is particularly agitated, challenge the Aries you know to a game, service, or demand of your liking. Golly, it’ll be so much fun! Sorry—maybe not so much for you Aries, but just when you thought it was all about you … AGAIN, I thought it might be interesting for your ego to take a break. So I challenge you to take the future challenges of family, friends, and lovers—as absurd and preposterous (your words, not mine) as this notion may seem.
P.S. Next time, let the pregnant lady have the fan.
Taurus, I’ll bet at this very moment you’re trying to cool off with a round of extreme mud wrestling, aren’t you? Or perhaps it’s 4 a.m. and you’re wishing your lover would now turn into a pizza. Well, I have a suggestion. How about tomorrow night you go out to your local watering hole and find yourself one of those dreamy Pisces? You could have a couple drinks—but just a couple (Pisces are well known to drink too much and make bad decisions where love is concerned—and you’re not a bad decision!) then find yourself a cozy restaurant for some rich, tasty snacks and quiet, get-to-know you talk. At evening’s end, kiss your beautiful Pisces goodnight but do not make any moves (it’s not going anywhere this first night anyway) and promise to write some love poems until you meet again. Don’t be afraid to drop hints about your love for chocolate covered strawberries and perfume, either. They’re both romantic enough to stimulate that fanciful Piscean mind and could land you a lavish gift when you next meet.
Hello Gem, it’s me calling you on my new iPhone while I update my 624 friends on Facebook, shoot off a couple emails to my boss in Thailand, and then make e-reservations at that trendy new restaurant where they use ultra-cold nitrogen to make sundaes for dessert. Do I have your attention yet—because I know I don’t have it for long. I am really trying to impress you with my multi-tasking skills and knowledge of hip, new culinary experiences and international erudition so that I might boost my credibility with you. I know you probably have an appointment to get those beautifully expressive hands tattooed with henna tomorrow, but might I convince you to take a quiet walk along a cool beach instead? Don’t worry. It won’t stay quiet and boring for long. There’s someone there I’d like you to meet. I want to keep it a surprise but this much I will tell you: You’ll know them when you see him because he’ll be juggling pomegranates, telling raunchy jokes, and tickling the insides of your fingers all at the same time.
Dear Cancer, is the heat causing your extreme moodiness? Sure, what doesn’t, right? When your neighbor suggested you were welcome to use their garden hose for your lawn, it wasn’t an insult to your ability to keep up your home. There was no need to put on your brave face, then go inside and cry. The fabulous dinner you made for your friends the other night was truly appreciated and everyone told you how delicious it was. Was that not enough praise for you? Just because one guest didn’t rave over the lemon tart doesn’t mean the dinner was ruined. Even though it’s hot outside Cancer, it would be great if you could walk through one day not expecting the worst. It might feel good to spontaneously experience unadulterated joy, too—okay, maybe not spontaneously—but try it—the joy thing. Your mom would be so happy for you.
Hey Leo, thanks for the bike ride through the mountains the other day. It really gave me the opportunity to get to know you a little better. I used to think you were just an opinionated braggart who fancied tossing your glistening mane about, wishing for all to notice—after all, your romantic idol is Johnny Bravo and your favorite pickup line is “Try the best and forget the rest.” But I learned a thing or two about you on our ride. Your attitude toward the day was nothing short of Carpe Diem, making our adventure that much more sensational, and most of your opinions were quite logical. You generously shared a Cliff Bar with me, and showed me one of your favorite watering holes. And it is here, that it would seem I would beg your imperial forgiveness for, without warning pushing you straight off the edge of the dock. Nary would I beg such forgiveness however, and once you surfaced, seeing the look of kitten-like joy on your face I knew you would agree. It’s hot! Not all cats are afraid of water and you’re the type of cat who needs a good soak every now and then. Forget your regal prowess for just a couple days and go jump in a lake. Take it one step further and try a flip. You’ll thank me for it.
Hey Virgo, I saw you in the aisle of cleaning products while I was shopping for Popsicles. You seemed pretty engrossed with your options. I was going to help you out but I knew you already had a cabinet full of various cleaning products at home, so it didn’t really matter what you chose. Why do you care about cleaning in this heat anyway? I suggest an air-conditioned book store, with tidy rows of organized and super clean books, all begging for your touch. Every once in a while, pull your nose out of one of those books and see if you can find someone in need of some ice cream. Treat them right and they might be begging for your touch as well. Does it sound craaaazy? Okay, I’ll pretend to believe that you think it does.
Libra, you are an outright glamour puss! This heat must be melting your perfectly coiffed self. Relax though. You don’t always have to set the perfect scene. We accept you just as you are— even though you are endlessly scrutinizing the rest of us. Here is my assignment for you, should you choose to accept it: Head out to one of the many outdoor summer concerts this August. Don’t worry that your hair may frizz in the humidity or that your outrageously expensive, yet understated, shirt may soak with perspiration as you dance as if it’s your last day on earth. I know you’ve always thought that a ridiculously good looking and highly influential jetsetter would part a crowded room to find you and propose undying love. But I say dance. Dance with abandon! Hot, sticky bodies moving in a disheveled and unrestrained mess—imagine the possibilities.
Scorpio—don’t try do deny it. I know that Cat-on-a-Hot-Tin-Roof-look I got in the Popsicle aisle was you. I know you well, Scorpio; that smoldering look as you dangerously move toward your prey with nothing but cunning assault in mind. You’re a secretive, oversexed danger zone and that’s why I high-tailed it out of there when I saw you fix your gaze upon me. I might blame it on the heat, but as I said, I know you. And I really just wanted Popsicles—not the nonstop, nefarious, steamy sex-fest you constantly crave. Listen here Scorp, sometimes a girl does just want a cool, sweet treat. Keep that in mind from time to time. At the very least, occasionally try gently offering some type of treat before you melt the pants off your new toy. Such an offering could just bring you closer to that mystical soul mate you secretly desire.
Sag! Is the summer heat slowing you down just a tad? I couldn’t help but notice the other night that the heat had a torpid affect on your otherwise rapid observation of a room. While you were out with that gorgeous and exotic specimen, it took you five whole minutes to scope out your next hookup. Normally that would only take thirty seconds. Don’t worry. I didn’t mention it to your date. Your simultaneous adoration for the opposite sex and absolute freedom is safe with me. Ordinarily I might find that kind of behavior rather annoying, but I forgive you every time because you make me—and everyone around—laugh aloud. With you, I know I have a bona fide circus on my hands—entertainment for everyone. God, you’re fun. Speaking of a circus, I wonder if you might like to try something new for the hot month of August, perhaps a little bit of tight rope walking instead of that bawdy act you always do. You know, a little more precision and delicate maneuvering … Maybe one of those intelligent and wildly beautiful creatures you boast on your arm could show you another realm—somewhere far, far from this oppressive heat.
Oh Capricorn, you are such a nut job. I used to think you were such a bore—all work, no play— and a lot of times you are, but lately I’ve come to understand you could very well be crazier than any of my other friends. You’ve put me in my place a time or two, with that dry wit that appears out of nowhere. I never knew you had that in you. But now that I do, it just makes me want more. And that yurt you built in the forest—yes, it was a great move, financially speaking, and I’m glad you took so much time planning it and shopping around and then talking to your financial advisor and getting legal documentation in place concerning the shared property and then double checking it all. I’m glad because that seemed to make you very happy. And I do admire your ability to make and save money—and thus to afford your new yurt in the woods. But, that time you invited all your friends out to christen the yurt and then you “spontaneously” broke out mushrooms for everyone and then said, “Let’s all go stare at the stars for a while,” well, that was a surprise! Everyone still talks about it and thinks you’re outrageously fun. Cappy, you could do with a little more yurt and a little less hedge fund management this month of August. The woods are cool, and apparently, you have lots of friends who think you’re ridiculous fun. Enjoy them.
The other day I had lunch with my Aquarian friend. The restaurant was a futuristic Jetson-like establishment that I’ll admit was pretty cool. My friend spoke to me so intelligently and passionately about deforestation and the accomplishments of the International Justice Mission that I willingly handed over donations for both causes. We switched topics momentarily and I began talking about a personal relationship of mine, and all the emotions involved. When I asked my passionate Aquarian for advice, I got a detached and quizzical look. Of course! Why was I asking an Aquarian to discuss emotions? I quickly switched the topic to solving the riddles of the universe. Aquarian, during the month of August, you may be asked to talk about your emotions while you lie upon your lover’s rumpled sheets. Psst! It’s okay. Emotions are not nearly as difficult as solving the riddles of the universe.
I had a dream the other night Pisces, and you were in it. You were captured in a beautiful book of photography, as a weightless angel, floating in a sea of lotus flowers and kumquats. The opposing page was that of a swordfish ablaze in a wash of aquamarine phosphorescence as it arced toward you, aimed at piercing your heart with the purest of love. Really. It could happen. Okay, look—it’s never going to happen that way! So take those large, liquid eyes of yours and start looking elsewhere. Stop staring off into space, your coffee cup, the wall, the wading pool— and all those other places you call meditation. Try a clear-eyed approach at your local watering hole—right snow, they’re full of thirsty people looking for hot summer action. Hey, that was kind of dreamy … in a hot, steamy, so-glad-I-met-you-forget-the-dreams-and-let’s-get-busy sort of way.
Hydra Monoceros can be found scouting the astral plane, constantly on the lookout for bowls of gypsy tears, wayward comets, and unchained melodies. From time to time, you may catch Hydra combing quiet beaches, in search of that special someone juggling pomegranates and telling raunchy jokes.
The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We’ll focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.