How do I explain it to him? How do I explain to this wonderful man that it has nothing to do with whether I am happy or not? I have to find a way to explain the depression to him. I know it’s hard to understand. I know it doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense to me either.
I hate the depression. I hate the overwhelming blackness that invades my life. I hate only being able to think about hiding in bed. I hate when it’s hard to do anything … like you are walking through wet cement. I hate everything about it. Why can’t it just leave me alone?
He doesn’t understand because I am so happy. I have never been this happy in my entire life! I look forward to every moment because I know something wonderful is going to happen. But still … I hear the depression knocking on the door. It’s looking for a way in … any small crack will do. If it finds one, it will work it’s way in and make itself at home. It always does. I will have to fight to make it go way.
Has something happened to awake this demon in my life? I have tried hard to find a reason but there isn’t one. Usually there isn’t a reason. The demon just shows up at my doorstep and waits patiently. When I least expect it, it is putting its feet up and settling in for a long visit.
I am trying to be strong. I don’t want to give it any chance to take over. I am loving being happy way too much to give it that chance. He will help me be strong. He will help me keep it at bay. I only need to find a way to explain to him that it has nothing to do with him, nothing to do with am I happy or not, nothing to do with anything.