A hottie near my food: Hotties of the universe if there is a reception, a wedding, or any occasion where food trays are laid out for me to grab, stay away from standing near the food. I cannot load my dish if you are standing next to the food line. I am self-conscious, so help me and other males by give us a chance to pig out away from your sight. I can do one thing or the other, admire your beauty, or admire the work of the chefs. No, I am not going to do what married guys do, which is just ignore you.
Nuts: To my follow host, easy on the nuts! Do not sprinkle them everywhere; you know some of us have allergies to nuts. So keep your pine nuts and almonds away from my plate. I know nuts are expensive, so this is my gift to you in these financial tough times. Is it written somewhere in the food guide, that you cannot have rice without topping it with some sort of nuts? Keep your nuts stored in the dark.
Bacon This: American diners love to hook me up with a bit of extra bacon … it is ok to racially profile me to prevent me from eating bacon. I know bacon eaters love it and swear by it, but this is a free country. I try to always ask about their bacon policy, but most of the time the serves does not know. Get this, most Clam Chowder soups are started with bacon. I did know that pigs occasionally fly, but swim in the sea is a first.
The Stingy Couple Who Refuses to Tip: that’s their choice, but when their choice makes me a partner in crime, I refuse to take part in that. It’s always a couple that has some philosophical reasons not to tip the poor waiter, and instead just pay for their share; they of course neglect the tax too. So I usually do not go out with these people again; maybe I am helping them save extra money to put in their 401 K.
Credit Card Die Hard: You are out with ten people having dinner, everyone has cash to pay for their meal, but that one. Now everyone has to wait for that person to figure out how much he/she owes and spend ten minutes explaining to the waiter how to properly handle the bill. Listen, your eleven-dollar entry is not going to give you extra miles to fly you home for the holidays; home is where you should probably stay.
Foreign Dining customs: You can never eat too much at an ethnic table, and they are never pleased with how much you have eaten. So eat what you like and do not pay people compliments by overeating to the point you get sick, because trust me, they will never be satisfied with how much grub you shove down your throat. “What’s the matter, you do not like us?” It never gets old. Lady, the only way I would like you any more is if you were my Gastroenterologist!
Healthy Ploys: Healthy salads, lettuce wraps with grilled white meat, air-filled donuts … etc. are all new marketing ploys to get me to lose weight by eating more. Seriously, those who care about their health they never outsource these duties to minimum wage paying restaurants. Here is the deal, I try to eat healthy at home, and dine out on what I ban myself from eating at home. By the same token, I roll my eyes at these skinny people who order the biggest meals in public and in private quietly starve themselves.
Support: Events where we attendees agree to stuff our faces with food and drink in show of support to whatever “cause” they are promoting. It’s sort of insensitive to hold an event to support, say Somalia where malnutrition is a serious problem, while we are choking ourselves on lamb kabob and chicken shawrma with garlic sauce. I am guilty of this as much as anyone else—support my stomach!
The Buffet Pooper: You know this person will gladly come with you to a buffet, only to have them ruin the moment and tell you that they are not going to eat or that they are on a diet. Do not come to a buffet with me if you are not hungry or if you are on some sort of a diet, go to Europe … they do not have buffets there. This person might think of themselves as being strong-willed, but what they do not realize is how sweet of a punching bag they would make for you.
Lame Food Party: you know you have been into one of those parties that had a cool flier and … nothing else was cool about it. The food sucked because nothing but a bunch of cheapskates showed up bringing a bag of chips each and leftover brown stuff. The host defends himself/herself by saying, “I sent a Facebook reminder! All that is not going to save the hostess’s face. Moments like these make you grateful for the iPhone where in an instant you can order from the local pizza shop.
To get introduced to someone over a dinner table: I want to show interest, I want to be polite, and I also want to finish my dinner. I cannot talk much nor can I enjoy my meal much either. Do not want to risk speaking with my mouth full and thus make a lousy impression. Meat first, and let’s meet later.
Being invited to a potluck at a Hindu, Muslim, Jewish or Vegan table: you will always mess up and bring the wrong things and get a free lecture. Can we reconcile all this? Let’s hope they do not have beef bacon and do not shell your fish.