How does one move on from the past and into the future after so many things have gone wrong? I had an affair, my husband found out about it, and now we are trying our hardest to heal and move on with our lives. This is not as simple as one might think, especially when you are trying to save your marriage. There is always a lingering thought and feeling of “the other man” who has come into our world, uninvited, and destroyed it. After some time goes by, things seem to be somewhat back to “normal,” and I start to forget that the affair ever happened. Then my husband has a hard day and all of a sudden it’s as if he just found out of the affair all over again. The wound is re-opened just as it was beginning to heal. I know that I, of all people, should not be complaining about what he is going through since I am the one that caused it, but what about me? Have I not been hurt? Am I just some stone-cold woman? NO! I had my reasons for doing what I did. I felt alone, un-noticed, and unappreciated. Someone came along and gave me all of those things. Were his intentions genuine? No. But at the time, I didn’t care. He made me feel alive again. Beautiful. Then, when everything came down upon me, he was nowhere to be found. He was just a coward, hiding under a rock until the dust settled.
How long must we go through this? Why can’t we just move on? I know that what I did was the biggest mistake of my life, and I will forever have to live with that, I don’t need someone else to constantly be shoving it down my throat! I understand his insecurities and his restlessness, but at the same time, it’s as if I no longer matter. His feelings and what he has, and is going through seem to be the only things that he sees. How do I help him to see my side?
It has been just over three months since the affair “officially” ended, and I honestly have never felt closer and more in love with a man than I do right now with my husband, Ian. I think that’s why it hurts so badly when he brings up the past, or doesn’t seem to appreciate what we have. We have both hit rock bottom and somehow survived it. We have two wonderful children, a roof over our heads, food on the table, people who love us, and most importantly, we have each other.
I’ve been told that I need to set boundaries with the people I surround myself with, and stop allowing them to walk all over me. I have found this to be a bit easier than I thought with my close friends and family, however, I am finding it nearly impossible with Ian. Every time he questions me about where I’ve really been, what I’m doing, or who I’ve been talking too, I clam up and start feeling guilty because I put him and myself in this situation. However, I need to remember that although I may have caused this insecurity, it does not allow Ian to continuously throw it in my face. I need to be able to tell him the truth, and whether he believes me or not, it is not my problem, it’s Ian’s. I find this to be very difficult. I love him so much, and I don’t want to push him away, or make him angry with me. He had every reason to leave me, but he didn’t. I feel that I owe him so much.
Ian and I have both made horrible mistakes in our fourteen years of marriage, and we have both hurt each other very deeply by them. I know that these things take time, and I must be patient. I only hope and pray that God can help Ian and I through this, and remind us that we are not alone, and that God is there to take our pain away if we would only lean on him more.
Ian and I are soul mates, I know it.
We can make it through this, and we will be far better for it.