Ever wonder about those Dear Birthmother letters you see all over the internet?

Ever wonder what they might be like if complete honesty was present?

I did.

So I present Forrest and Kelly, a hopeful adoptive couple, with a few issues …

Dear Birthmother,

Our names are Kelly and Forrest Green. First of all, we’d like to say how unselfish and affectionate you are being in giving your child in adoption to superior parents. If you hadn’t been unselfish with your affections there would never have been a baby for us to adopt. You are also very brave, it’s a great act of courage to trust people like us with the child you are carrying for us.

Now a little about us. We live in a beautiful gated community. Since I’m sure you or members of your family have worked for those that live in gated communities, you know how nice they are.  We are in a great school district and know that with our influence your child will be able to do well here. Our house is 5000 square feet and sits on a half acre, so our child will have -plenty of room to play, without the worry of drive-bys or drug dealers hanging around. We both know you want the best for your child.

We can’t wait to have a child of our own, if it’s a girl we will name her Teal, if a boy, Hunter. Our golden retriever is named Hunter too. Won’t that be cute? When we call both will answer.

Now each of us would like to take the opportunity to tell you about the other one.

Kelly on Forrest

Forrest is a wonderful husband that I love dearly. I’ve even forgiven him for his infertility. Let’s face it, I could leave him and find a man who could give me my own child, but since I love him, and the fact that I’ll be able to quit my job when we get our hands on a baby, I stay.

Forrest works for the government, I can’t tell you exactly what he does, that’s classified. It makes me feel extra secure to know that those men in the van out front are here to look after us.  He’s done well and can expect to retire early. He’ll be able to spend lots of time with our special child.

I know he’ll be a wonderful father. He spends every Saturday afternoon out in the yard playing catch. When we have the child we deserve he won’t have to run and pick up the ball everytime he throws it. Forrest also loves to do things with his friends, last week he went hunting at a place called The Bunny Ranch.

Forrest on Kelly

Kelly is a lovely woman and almost never drinks at all. The first time I laid eyes on her, I just knew we would be spending some time together, but I never would have guessed it would be for the rest of my life. Well you know what they say, when life gives you lemons, made lemonade, or Lynchburg lemonade, in Kelly’s case.

Kelly works in the advertising industry. She’s very creative, just ask her boss. Kelly has always been a snappy dresser, she’s very feminine, it’s always all short skirts and high heels with her. She takes great pains with her appearance, just ask her boss, he just can’t keep quiet about her legs. I suppose she’ll have to tone it down a bit when she has a kid to chase around. That would be good for her.

Kelly is the life of every party she attends, trust me, and has many friends. She’s a very caring individual and spends many hours with them when they are sick or just in need of a sympathetic ear, just ask her boss.

Well that’s all about us. We’ve wanted a baby for a long time and hope you’ll be the one to give it to us. We’re not concerned about where you came from or how you managed to get yourself in this position, we’d just like to help you get on with your life. There’s no reason one big mistake should ruin the rest of your life.

If you should respond please enclose a photo of yourself and any possible fathers. Obviously we want a cute kid. With all the things this child will have to overcome, we feel like they need that advantage.

Remember the child you save could be ours.

Love and Kisses,

Kelly and Forrest

P.S. We’ll be making a video just as soon as Kelly gets the camera back from her boss.

Something like this first appeared on The Adoption Show [1] where it at least made the host, Michelle Edmunds laugh. For more laughs check out According to Addie [2].

Originally published at Grown in My Heart [3] as a satire