Chronic Pain is something I never thought about before my accident. It was this group of words clustered together, almost a foreign language. Chronic Pain. Pain all the time. All the time…. Never-ending, never stopping, always, ALWAYS, always. I keep hoping it will magically go away; that I will just wake up one day and Wow, I am back to my old self. The old Jo. The active Jo. Damn, I miss me.
Now the words define my days. Is this what I’ve become? Is this who I am? Time passes so quickly. I know time has passed when I take my daily medication box out of its holder and realize it’s time to refill the many slots for the week. This is such a small task, with surprising results. It shocks me, every week to realize another seven days have passed! Another week has passed? Have things changed? No, not overall. Yes, I may have had a doctor’s appt or dealt with insurance-AGAIN. The insurance phone calls or doctors’ phone calls about coverage and the predictable “problems” resulting from them always have me so stressed out I can barely speak. I am wiped out afterwards-emotionally spent. This seems to be the new Jo. Old Jo is gone, but the pain remains. The meds help a little, but the pain is always present. I don’t remember what its like not to have pain. So, if this is the new me, and I am in constant pain, who am I?
These thoughts overwhelm me. Everything overwhelms me. I hate feeling overwhelmed. I hate feeling helpless. I hate feeling needy. I try to relax like my therapist suggests. Deep breathing, soothing music.. I have always felt better listening to music. This helps. It’s the same every day, though. A constant battle to get thru the day. Each night I go to sleep wondering if I can go through another day. Something has to change soon. Doesn’t it?