Here is an excerpt from a conference call between Stock Analysts and Mr. B. Ilk, PR chief of GS:
Analyst L. Apdog: “The price for GS stocks has dropped 20 percent since the SEC charges against GS. What is your take on that and will we see further decline in GS’s stock price?”
Mr. B. Ilk: “If the SEC charges have shown anything, they have shown the beauty of our business model. Its beauty is that we can be trusted as investment advisors with a fiduciary duty to our clients and to combine that with trading. This inherent beauty enables us to sell junk to such an extent that otherwise would be impossible. You see, in a deal such as the now infamous Acabust, the winner is always our favored client whom, we live up to our stated fiduciary duty while the loser, on the other hand, is just a market participant.”
You see, we are the investment bank for the winner, while we are just a market maker for the loser. Okay, admittedly, market making is a lot more involving as it sounds, since we still have to do all the needed sell pitching for the junk. But at the end of the day, when the sucker realizes its status, we claim that we have only acted as market maker. Beautiful, isn’t it?”
Analyst L. Emmel: But can this business model continue to work after that it has been put on public display?
Mr. B. Ilk: I tell you this, none of the long investor in our investment creation, or sucker as we internally call them, lost more than a billion dollars. Our favored client- Mr. Paulson on the other hand, made a four billion dollar profit. So clearly, it pays of to be a GS favored client.
You see, the market sees that as good odds. So the sucker will come back to us in the hope that next time he will be the favored client, or more correctly, the only client since the other side of the deal is, as I just stated, just a market participant.
As long as we keep making clients believe that they have a fair chance of being the favored client, we will continue to be highly profitable. And trust me, we know how to play this game.
Analyst Mr. R.E. Iterate: How do you see the long-term prospects for GS?
Mr. B. Ilk: To put it short: promising indeed. Thanks to the administration’s proposed and very likely to be implemented “reforms” of the financial market, the financial world market will no longer have to rely on implied backing by the U.S. taxpayers but an explicit one. This means, that, we will soon be able to borrow even more and at an even lower cost than before.
Our highly successfully core business of pump and dump, will really take off to new levels. We will be able to continue unabated to exploit our politicians’ belief that artificially low interest rates will spur job-creating investments.
With the help of our politicians, we are moving forward on pumping the next bubble.
You see, boom and bust is our lifeblood. Without boom and bust, there will be no exorbitant profits for GS. And we see a lot of very promising booms and busts in the near future. And as it is public knowledge by now: GS is the first to know when a bubble will burst. So you see, because of that, everyone wants to be our client. This media frenzy about GS has been nothing than a bonanza for GS.
Analyst G. Ullible: There has been a lot of hallo in the media about the fact that you got indirectly bailed out through AIG with 13 Billion dollars. You got 100 cents on the dollar when in a true market economy i.e. without your alumni’s and partners such as Hank Paulson and Timothy Geithner in strategic positions, you would have had to accept much less. Will GS be able to put its own people in charge of taxpayer’s bailouts in the future?
Mr. B.Ilk: In the agreement to temporary serve as a culprit for the financial meltdown, GS didn’t sell itself for peanuts. Was I clear enough for you? All I am willing to say is that the stock market does not have to worry about GS not having its people in the strategically crucial official public positions. Period.
Analyst T. Railgate: All this sounds to good to be truth. One adage for an investor is that, when something sounds to good to be truth, it is. Can you comment on that?
Mr. B.Ilk: I agree, that is generally truth but it does not apply to GS since the rules of capitalism don’t apply to GS. Everything is really set up in our favor. The prospects for GS has never been as good as now. With the help of our politicians, the dollar will collapse, the unemployment and the poverty that it brings will increase the chances of civil unrests and the stability of the US will come into question in the world capital market. This will explode the cost of the U.S. debt, which will further hurt the economy. GS is strategically positioned to profit the most from this very promising scenario. Our interests may not be aligned with the average citizens but so what? Most of our politicians can’t claim the opposite either.
I thank all of you for participating in this conference call. I am convinced that by now, all of you share my view on how wrong the stock market’s reaction has been so far.