So your ex used to touch you like a monkey fingerpainting with a group of other monkeys in an unruly preschool. It’s not that you didn’t have a sex drive, you just hated the way he touched you and you didn’t have the 1) cojones 2) energy 3) self-confidence to ask him to please, please read a manual, talk to you, ask, observe, gain some sensitivity in his fingertips, or whatever may have been necessary to make you, well, all melty.
You spent time thinking it was your fault and then you realized it wasn’t and still could resolve the issue. You bought books, lubricant, and lingerie, all in the hopes of improving matters in the bedroom. You chopped away at your wall of silence and sat with him, with candles, and read through the sex book thing in your lingerie. Then you even guided him, took his hands, and touched yourself with his hands in the ways you preferred. Nothing changed. So you broke up with him. (The bedroom woes were only symptomatic, I might add, there were so many other insensitivities as well.)
Now you’re single, quite smoking hot, a great head on your lovely shoulders, self-sufficient and lonely. You want to connect with someone; heck you’re even open to being wind swept along an ocean of love with magical sea nymphs drooling all over the lusty waves, but WHERE IS HE and, should he appear, HOW will you ever go near that potential disappointment again?
If you are like many of us, you will drink. This, unfortunately, will not provide a long term solution. It may enable you to get the “get up and go!” cheerleader part of you back into the lingerie that’s just been sitting there in the drawer, but your emotional life, your very womanly essence, if you will, may be still stuck in that drawer as well.
While there are no easy answers to the questions about letting go and moving on, I suggest a few things to get your lust pedals turning in the right direction (that is, toward ecstasy … ahem …).
Learn to touch yourself.
Now, okay, okay, I know it’s 2009 and many will tell me that is so last decade (or the one before?) but it truly shocking how many women still do NOT know how, CANNOT be bothered, and WILL not take ownership over this pleasure stuff. Now I am ALSO not talking specifically about a certain locale – I am talking about touch, like, yes, even the way you brush your hair. Learn to do it in the way that feels the best TO YOU. For example: I once went to a rheumatologist (I have mild lupus) in whose hands I felt – safe, warm, enveloped, comforted, understood.
It wasn’t sexual at all, but it was mighty transcendent. Having been to a multitude of doctors and having had many professional massages, I can honestly say that this rheumatologist’s hands combined with the intelligence of her practice were unlike any I have ever experienced. Getting in touch with that kind of touch is profound in informing your pleasure. For we want more out of sex than just orgasms, don’t we? Don’t we also want to feel, just feel?
For good or for ill, learn about it; what you like, what you want, what you need.
TALK to your potential partner. Now that you’ve moved on, don’t make the mistake of staying silent ever again. If he or she is not someone who wants to deal with your preferences in bed, it’s a sure sign they don’t want to really explore who you are as a person. Move along, oh narcissists, outta the way, let the love in! The ones who can’t be bothered really shouldn’t be bothered with, if you know what I mean.
Finally, use products. They don’t have to be fancy or expensive. A little dab will do you just fine. So many wonderful lotions, potions and delights are on the market now that can really enhance what may otherwise be just a so-so touch and turn it into something fantastic . Don’t be afraid to take a little trip to the local drugstore and pick up something with pleasure in the label along with your new tube of toothpaste.
Originally published EmpowHer