“She poisoned his mind against me. Things were going fine until he started spending time with his ex. It is her fault. He would be with me if she would just disappear.”
Why is it so appealing to blame someone else for your heartbreak? Sit in any Starbucks around the country and you can listen in on a similar conversation. Frustrated women tell and retell the dramas of their love lives to anyone who will listen. And most of them stay alone, frustrating them even more.
Then some cheerful Law of Attraction aficionado comes across your path and starts chirping that you must be creating all this drama and you are ready to pinch his or her head off. You can’t be manifesting all of this heartbreak; all you want is Love and you have been chasing it for years to prove it!
So what is wrong? One word. Sabotage. Since starting my coaching practice nearly ten years ago, I have met the most engaging and beautiful single women all with one common fatal flaw … a part of themselves bound and committed to keep them single, a personal inner saboteur.
This powerful force, similar to an actual force field repelling True Love, comes from inside your own heart. This True Love Saboteur has spent her life with one goal. Ironically it is the same goal for the Outer You: to be happy and feel safe. Somehow, many singles carry a belief that Love hurts more than it heals. For many, Love has been something you have needed protection from. True Love is supposed to protect you.
Every time I ask, “Do you think a part of you actually likes being single?” I get a quick no, but upon further questioning, many long time singles admit that there are parts of the single life that work for them.
Inner conflict will always bring a lukewarm, mediocre vibration resulting in … lukewarm and mediocre results. Could this be you? Here are five signs that your True Love Saboteur has been working hard under the radar to keep you happy, safe … and single.
1. Isolation. Are you spending too much time alone? Have your friendships shifted? Do you complain that you are the one who calls friends for social events and no one calls you? Is Facebook your main connection to the world? Isolation is safe, but at what cost? Besides, how can you meet anyone if you don’t get out? Your True Love Saboteur works overtime providing reasons to be alone. Any little reason to miss a chance to be with people is enough.
2. Procrastination. Are you re-writing the same things on your to-do list every day? Do you even have a list? Are you so busy doing the stuff of life that never gets done that you have zero fun going on in your life? The Saboteur loves using this tool. It is so easy to nurture procrastination. Look what an expert you are!
3. Self-Criticism. Not only are you isolated and procrastinating, but now you pick on yourself about it. Do you compare yourself to others? Do you dislike parts of your personality or physical appearance? A lack of self-acceptance is one of the most powerful tools the Saboteur can use and she can wield it like a dagger. After all, if you don’t accept yourself, could a Soul Mate ever have a chance? This is the Saboteur’s use of victim energy in disguise. Not many recognize the victim vibe, making it a sneaky block needing little maintenance.
4. Excuses. “I don’t have money for the nicer dating sites.” “I am so busy with work and the kids, there is no time for dating.” “I hate my clothes. I would need a new wardrobe before I could date.” “I hate my underwear.” It doesn’t matter what the excuse, it is still an excuse. Time is racing by; we are well into 2010. How long will you let an excuse stand between you and fulfillment? Your Saboteur is doing everything to keep you from making the decision you need to make. Choose what you want, make a clear decision, and move forward. Do you want to be with a partner no matter what it takes?
5. Insatiable Need to Keep Trying. I love this one. As I said before, your True Love Saboteur wants the same thing you do. To be happy and feel safe. Somewhere deep inside, she, as well as any part of you that is hesitant to try again, can’t stop the desire to be loved and loved well. You deserve it and I am here to tell you it is possible. At fifty-seven, I am celebrating my fifth anniversary in Hawaii in a few weeks. Meeting Larry and taking the risk of getting close to a man again was the best decision I could have made. If I can do it, you can do it.
Your Saboteur is only valiantly doing the job you depend on her to perform. Her one and only purpose in life is to police your beliefs to make sure they stay true. I’m not talking about the wish list beliefs here or the affirmations you prepare. I am talking about the true, deep, secret beliefs that you hold about your self-worth.
The cool thing is, once you start to recognize your self-sabotaging thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs, you can do something about it. When your Saboteur realizes that you can feel happy and safe in new ways and that so can she, you will relax more deeply than you have in years.
We all want the same thing here after all. It feels amazing to be loved and accepted. Of course you are going to pursue that. Address your sabotage tendencies and take action steps to address each one. You will dramatically increase your personal magnetism as you accept yourself at this new level. There is nothing more irresistible than a person 100 percent comfortable in her own skin. It is always possible to deepen your sense of self-worth. Make a decision, research your options, and take action. As Gramma used to say, “Time’s a wastin’.”