Want to thoroughly irritate everyone in your cabin on every flight? Try some of these surefire tricks—guaranteed to work every time!
Don’t wait for your row to be called before lining up to board the plane, then argue with the attendant when you’re asked to wait. That should slow the process up significantly!
Be sure to wear strong smelling perfume or cologne and skip the deodorant—your seat mates will appreciate your thoughtfulness.
Stop at the entrance to the plane and complain about your seat with the flight attendant. There’s nothing that can be done now to change things, but it will be very satisfying to see all the people bunch up behind you, trying to board.
As you make your way down the aisle, sling your bulky purse or knapsack over just one shoulder so it’s in a good position to smack your fellow passengers in the face in passing. It’s wise to make a memorable entrance.
When you get to your seat, stand in the middle of the aisle, blocking the way, and fiddle with the contents of your carry-on. Take off your sweater and put it in your bag, then change your mind and take it back out again. Search for your book, your reading glasses and your gum, dropping as many things as possible so you’ll have to squat down to look for them on the floor.
Have only the most tenuous grip on your carry-on baggage so that when you try to hurl it into the overhead bin, it will be bound to slip and crash onto the head of the passenger seated in front of you. Making new friends is an important part of travel!
If you have the middle seat, complain loudly to the passengers on either side of you and try to get them to trade. After all, only one-third of the plane is in the same situation – why should you suffer in silence?
As soon as the announcement is made regarding the sale of headsets, gripe about the $3.00 fee. Make a huge show of wrestling your wallet out of the too-big bag you’ve shoved just halfway under the seat in front of you and hand the money to the flight attendant as rudely as possible. She’s responsible for the headsets not being free, isn’t she? When you get off the plane, leave your reusable headset in the seatback pocket so you can have the same fun on the next flight.
Make certain that you encroach as much as possible on the space of your fellow passengers. Stretch your legs into their area and be sure to put your elbows firmly on both armrests, draping as much of yourself as you can into their laps. If you have an aisle seat, stick your foot and elbow into the passage to make it awkward for people to get past you.
As quickly as possible, recline your seat back to the max. This will make everything from working on a laptop to enjoying dinner a serious challenge for the passenger behind you, but who cares? You need all the stretching-out space you can get!
When the plane lands, be the first out of your seat. Don’t give anyone else an opening—instead, push as far forward as you can. Then, remember that you’ve left something in the overhead bin and fight your way back through the crowded aisle. Do not—repeat do not—ever apologize to anyone for any inconvenience. Flying means never having to say you’re sorry.