I am just coming to my consequences from driving the train. I did not get what I wanted. Yeah, that was it.

Everyone I consider close got hurt from this last ride. People who I never wanted to hurt, especially the same way. Considering I had become a Christian and should have known better; I had thought I had changed more.

I got cocky. I think, “I know what you need to do to think and believe as I do or else!” (It’s too bad there aren’t those little expression faces—my eyes are rolling).

Well, God got me out of my living situation easily; but I took it that I could leave the state. I had it all set up: U-haul, loaders, driver to my apartment, money to pay for gas, and a car carrier for my brother’s Nissan truck and wife.

October 1, 2010, 5:00 a.m. My phone is turned off ten hours too early. My brother couldn’t get in touch with me to make sure everything was going according to his demands! (That should have been the first clue I was on the wrong track.) I love my brother, I really do. But we did not get along before; had I changed? Could he still push my buttons, and how I would react to it? I should have seen the red light on the track. Nope, I had shades on. It was beautiful weather. I didn’t see the earthquake. Until it was over.

I texted him from a neighbor’s cell phone about no phone … It started going down from there. He had a fit! “I’m done,” he texted back! “Done! Done! What does that mean!” I’m yelling at my friends! “Get your own way home, I’m not coming for you.” My whole world crumbled.

I don’t usually drink straight wine; I dilute it with grape juice. Three-quarters to one-quarter. Heavy on the grape juice. But not then. Straight. I got very tipsy. I took off in my U-haul. Mind you I have no licenses. Had been drinking, driving, went to some friend’s house. Left, the U-haul wouldn’t start. “What do want from me I yelled at God?” “I want to go home!” Nothing truck would not start. I sat there and sobbed for a long time.

“Okay God, if you start the truck, I promise that I will go back to my friend’s house.” It started … I drove back. The last month went by … God had put up all kinds of warning signs and I ignored them. Instead of giving up the track, I emailed my church a hateful small note. “Thanks for the help, go to hell.” Oh, what did I just do? I started moving back to my seat. It’s November 1, 2010. God wants me to be happy where he wants me. My way would have been a nightmare. I was leaving my friends, support system, and church.

I hadn’t lived home for eleven years! If my brother and I couldn’t get along three hundred miles apart, why would we get along within walking distance? Where would I go, what would I do? I knew the evils where I was; it had been a long time since I was home.