It’s not too often you meet three new girlfriends with whom you instantly click and know you’ll be friends for life. Amazingly, that’s what happened for me over the holidays. Oh sure, they’re not quite what you’d expect. Okay, I’ll put it out there—they’re vibrators named Ina, Lily, and Mona. What’s the big deal? At least they’re not just any vibrators. They’re from LELO.com, the Swedish company that is to sex toys what Apple is to computers. Through modern design and some seriously elegant engineering, LELO has managed to elevate the embarrassingly ugly sex toy into the “pleasure object,” an icon of “simplicity, sensuality, and sophistication.”
[Note to reader: the following is a rare look into the secret sex life of sex toys. For mature audiences only. For a tamer peek into sex toys, please try this  though it’s not nearly as entertaining.]
I looked up from the white glossy LELO booklet from which I was reading aloud. “Is that really true, Lily?” I asked my tiny new friend.
Lily peeked her head over the edge of her black silk cloak. “Why, yes, it is, especially for me,” she said with authority. “As for Mona and Ina over there,” she nodded towards them, “Well, they can be real dicks. Especially that Ina, who, with all due respect, is a dick and then some.”
“Geesh,” I said surprised by her strong feelings. Maybe professional jealously, I thought to myself, as I reached for Ina and examined her sleek, elongated hourglass figure. Okay, yes, she’s a little phallic looking but she can’t help that. I fiddled with the chubby green thumb-like projection sprouting from her tapered waist; it turned Ina into a modern, hipper version of the old Rabbit vibrator. “Lily,” I said flicking it, “is this thumby thing you mean?”
“Precisely,” said Lily rocking back and forth in agreement. “That thumby thing, as you put it, has simply gone to her head. If I have listen to her go on again about how she’ll be a thousand times more famous than the Rabbit, well, I think I’ll just explode.” Lily went to cross her arms and then remembered she didn’t have any.
Mona suddenly erupted with a lusty, throaty bellow of a laugh that sounded like it came from the depths of her rechargeable battery. “You know,” she said with a voice sounding remarkably like Mae West, “sometimes a good dick is all a girl really needs, and a little thumby thing ain’t gonna hurt either.”
“I couldn’t agree more, Mona!” I said relieved to be changing the topic. “And bye the way,” I said with admiration, “who styles you? That purple outfit is a—door—a—bull!” Mona blinked coquettishly, which is when I noticed something else. Other than color, the only difference between Mona and Ina was the thumby thing on Ina.
“Hey, are you guys twins or something?” I asked, my finger waving back and forth between them.
“Fraternal,” said Ina speaking up at last. “And since I’ve finally got the floor,” she continued with gravitas, “I’d like to clear something up. We’re actually a very tight team. You need to know that. Okay, so I got this competitive thing with the Rabbit and it gets on Lily’s nerves. Big deal. Lily’s still the best. She’s a good egg and I love her.”
“And she travels well,” piped up Mona.
I picked up little pink Lily and stroked her. She was so soft to the touch, and yet so hard—a perfect package of ‘tough love.’
“Aw, heck,” Lily said, looking from Ina to Mona and then up at me. “Just giving customers what they want, right where they want it.”
“Amen, sister,” said Mona.
Ina crossed her thumby thing (sort of) and nodded approvingly. I sat back and surveyed my new friends. Gawd, they were a sexy looking bunch. Toned, colorful, and focused. You don’t get that too often in girlfriends. That’s when it dawned on me, I’d never thought about my girlfriends in quite this way before.
“Hey girls, I don’t mean to be getting all weird on you or anything, but,” I stumbled on my words and felt my face redden. “I, err, ah, hmmm, wonder what you think about group sex. Be frank with me now.”
“We thought you’d never ask!” they buzzed in unison. And with that the girls jumped out of their matte black boxes and between my leopard print sheets.
Five Minutes Later…
I stretched languidly on my bed, wrapped in the dome of a pleasure-sated moment. Everything had happened so quickly. One minute there was this barely audible symphony of buzzing—no, it was more like a faint purring (ant sex is louder)—followed my some moaning (mine), a few oh my gods (also mine), some eyes-rolling-into-the-back-of-the-head (mine too), high-pitched gaspy breathing (like I was about to die or something), and finally an explosion of a million little firecrackers in my groin and beyond. I raised my head half off the pillow and looked around for the girls who were strewn wildly around the bed.
“Wow, everything is tingling,” I said with a boozy drawl. Ina gave me a high thumby, while Mona and Lily stared at the ceiling, stupid little grins on their face. “I had no idea girlfriends could be so much fun,” I said trying to uncurl my toes. “You guys are amazing—and you have a speed for every need. Whaddya say we make this a regular thing?” I tried nudging them in the ribs but it’s tricky when your friends are three and seven inches high, respectively. “Nappy time?” I asked yawning.
“Actually,” said Mona all-breathy, “We were thinking more along the lines of drinky-poos, right, girls?”
“Right you are, Mona,” said Lily.
I sat up in a cross-legged position. “I can do drinks, no problem. Cosmos, okay?” A hush dropped over the girls like a heavy black blanket. My hand flew to my mouth. “What did I say?” I asked, horrified at the possibility that I might have offended the sweetest little friends a girl ever could have.
Lily bounced over and almost jumped down my ear. “Cosmos … Sex and the City … The Rabbit…you follow?” Her eyes darted in the direction of Ina who looked about to burst into tears. Oh my goodness! I had inadvertently brought up the antiquated Rabbit. How could I be so insensitive? I clapped my hands trying to change the mood.
“Hey!” I said brightly. “I’ve great idea. Let’s do shots of Aqua Vit! The drink of Sweden! A tribute to LELO, who made our love possible!”
“Now you’re talking,” said Mona hopping up and down.
I reached out and held them tightly. “We all good then?” I asked tentatively. Ina, Lily, and Mona purred in happy agreement. “I love you guys,” I said, a tear sliding down my cheek. “My sex life was so empty before. So hit and mostly miss, if you know what I mean.”
“Yeah,” said Ina sympathetically. “We hear that all the time.”
I got up off the bed and put my clothes back on. As I headed for the kitchen, I suddenly stopped myself at the bedroom door. Another weird, unsettling thought had just hit my brain.
“Hey, guys,” I said turning around. “I gotta ask. I’ve just slept with three girls. Does this make me, well, er, a lesbian?”
Well if vibrators could scream with laughter, they would have. “Are you nuts?” said Mona almost shouting. “It just makes you bisexual!” More hilarious buzzing ensued.
“Oh, phew,” I said wiping my anxious brow. “I mean, what would I have told my boyfriend—Hi honey, I won’t be home for dinner. I’ve left you for three girls … who are also vibrators?”
“Yeah, exactly,” said Lily snickering like a smarty pants. “Ridiculous!”
I shooed them into the shower and went to get our drinks. As I poured shots of Aqua Vit, I couldn’t help but remember something I read recently: 31,406,497 Americans live alone according to the 2008 American Community Survey from the US Census. And then I thought, why, oh why, when there are friends like Ina, Lily, and Mona in the world?
I downed a shot. Here’s to making 2010 the best year ever! May you always get your buzz on and make new friends while you’re at it!