We went to the same elementary school, and only on the weekends and during the summer could we hang out. After few years we were in our pre-teens, and I started to feel these unexplainable feelings, and he seemed to feel the same too. Although we strongly felt that our feelings were mutual—that we liked or loved each other as more than friends—we were afraid. We were afraid that our friendship would change with these feelings growing in our young hearts, that is why we never talked about it or opened up. We could not accept that we would lose each other because of the new feelings we felt. We love each other! We think and treat each other like a true brother and sister! We were both afraid that after years in this relationship, we will just end up with nothing at the end. Moreover, that our friendship could not be restored.
We chose to stay away from each other (or probably I am the one who stayed away and he felt it), while it is was still early and we were not heartbroken yet. We took time apart without any questions about our friendship and never tried to talk about it. Because I didn’t want something to change, and I didn’t want to hurt him. Though he never talked to me about anything, I saw that he felt the same. Hence then, we stop talking, meeting, and hanging out.
Truly, we just left it without any clarification between us. We just moved on to our lives, continued studying, and meeting new people. We moved, went to the same high school, and his mom became my godmother in my confirmation as a Catholic when I was fourteen. But we never attempted to talk again. On the other hand, my brothers and his younger brother continued to become friends and were very close. Until they moved. And at that point, we could only see each other few times each year if there were important gatherings and celebration like with school alumni. Or, like All Souls Day and All Saints Day on November first and second, since his elders grave and mine were in the same Cemetery.
Last year, we had a celebration with school alumni. Our tables were close, and we were both with our classes (I am ahead by one year). Our eyes met and we smiled at each other, nodded, and waved. Yes, just like that. No saying hello, shaking hands, hugging, kissing on the cheeks, or trying to talk. We don’t need to do that anyway. Our hearts already knew that we are still those kids hanging out around. Playing together, climbing the trees, swimming in the ocean, trying to imitate the Power Rangers characters (Jason, Trinie, Kimberly, Tommy, Billy, and Jack) and we thought the trees around us were our robots. And we spent our all free time together! I feel that he still cherishes those moments, and it will stay forever in our hearts. We chose to be only this way, because we know that way our friendship will stay where we left it. Unharmed from anything, no scar will be left in our hearts.
Several years later, I got married and he was one of the groomsmen. Yes, he was there actually … But we almost didn’t talk (as also I was so busy for my wedding day), just when he explained to me why his parents could not attend. I feel that he feels the same way—that it’s better for us to be in this way. We both know that we could not restore our friendship to what we had before, as it needs time. And we both have our own lives now as well. I was just glad he and my younger brothers are still very close so I don’t need to entertain him. Because I wanted to stay close to my husband-to-be, as we only had couple of days left to be together after our wedding. And I know he was happy for me. By now, he was engaged and I was happy for him to have found the girl he will have forever.
Honestly, I also thought of what if we had tried. I guess, we would have had a good relationship. But fear ruled over me (I know for him too). First, we were too young. Second, I am sure that both of our family would have disagreed about it (we were just ten years old)! Also, our family has a good relationship towards each other, and I wouldn’t like to affect the bond we all have by the feelings we felt. I am sure they would be angry instead of understanding. I feel that he thought the same thing as me, so we made a right and wise decision. We were both young and very passionate that time. We were curious in more things around us, that was not yet for us (I’m talking about sex). I already felt that our innocence and ignorance could lead us to the things we will regret one day, even more to early marriage (and I can’t imagine myself in that scenario). Plus, his parents are very strict in terms of studying, which is why I am very sure they would forbid us to see each other or to still hang out.
What’s more, I could not really tolerate and allow myself to fall in love to my first very close guy friend … To the person I thought of as a brother to me! Truthfully, I knew I was falling for him. But I felt the wrongness about it. So I broke it off while it was still early. We are best friends, I just wanted it to be only that way. Besides, I feel also that there is another path for us to take. And what we feel is just a puppy love, and one day we will be apart. We are not the real destiny for each other and there is more that waits for us in the future, and that is a separate way.
I was like this until I grew up into a full teenager and became a lady. In my high school days, I said that no one could court me or be my boyfriend—or we wouldn’t be friends anymore!
Nevertheless, sometimes, if you met and found someone and you start feeling the soul mate atmosphere, you will break it off. Everything in yourself wills it not to, but it just suddenly breaks. This is what happen to me and my very best friend whom I fell in love later on, and then married him in the end! (And that is another story.)