I will be thirty-six years old in four months. I looked in the mirror this morning and I realized I am pushing forty. Yes, it may sound a little dramatic, but it’s true. I realized majority of my friends are either engaged or married. I had my chance and I ruined it. I was in my early twenties and he was good. I loved him and he loved me. Later on down the line, I cheated and at the same time got pregnant. I know I have written about this many times and many know the story.
Then comes a very promising career. At the age of thirty-one, I entered into child care. At the end, the very promising career kicked me in the ass so hard. I was at my job for three years and within those three years, I moved out of my friend’s basement with my kids, moved back in to the house I grew up in started college, became independent, learned what it meant to have self-worth, and fell in love with life. I learned “me.” Near my fourth year being at my job, about a month away, I went to go pick up a baby and ended my career. I now have herniated disks in my back and nerve damage in my right leg. The pain comes and goes. But when it comes my whole body is unable to move. I was bedridden for about two weeks.
My point is, time is moving along and I wasted a lot of time being just plain ignorant. When I was a teenager, I was depressed. I left high school and focused on killing myself. I wanted to die. I was sad, miserable, angry, and ready to leave this world because I had nothing to offer. My friends were moving along. Very well. Some of them started making money at sixteen; some of them were already mothers at sixteen. They had support. They had each other. As we got older, some of them moved on and I sat around sad, doing nothing. They graduated; I didn’t. Some of them went off to college and others to trade schools to teach them a trade in which they are now wealthy and successful.
I fell flat on my ass. For the last year and two months I have been paying bills, shopping, taking care of everyone else, and in a relationship. I put aside my wanting to have another baby. I put aside the fact that I want to get married; I put aside my dream of moving to Georgia with my kids. All for this relationship. He wants to control me he wants to turn me into a housewife with no voice. He is thirteen years older than me. He is old; he is unhealthy and selfish. He is a lonely, desperate man. He thought I would be okay with him being married. He thought I was just soft-spoken with no voice. He thinks he is God’s gift to me. He tells me stuff like I should be grateful for him staying with me because basically I am a lot. Well, I pay my own bills, my own rent, I don’t turn to him and depend on him for anything because he is too old to do anything. He works and sleeps yet gets mad because I don’t want to sit, waste time, and watch him sleep for six hours. I stopped going to his house because it smells like old urine. We butt heads because he wants me to bow down to him and be his slave woman—and I refuse to.
I wasted a lot of time doing nothing and I lost good relationships out of plain ignorance. I started going to church. And I have been in this church for nine years now. I am not an active member. There was a man there who would always play with my son. I had the opportunity to talk to this man and (quite possibly) court this man. Well, the chance came and within not even a half of second I lost it. Now I see him and he is married. I missed many chances. I used up too much time doing nothing. I don’t want to be in this relationship. I don’t want to be single, bitter, and lonely. Nor do I want to be the type of mother who can’t let go of her kids.
I keep telling myself I need to do something. I need to go back to school but …
The “but” is every time I moved close to finishing something to move closer to simple accomplishment, I would falter and fall—which leads me to failure from education to relationships to employment to love. I am a failure. I had been dealt a hard wrong hand a long time ago. I had no support or no one to tell me what I was doing wrong. It took all these years for me to get to this point to say I messed up. I was at the top of my game in each opportunity to accomplish something to move to the next level. I missed the mark. It seems like I will never hit the mark. I am not ready to give up, though. I am not ready to give up. I am going to look into a new career. I am going to end this relationship and I am going to walk ahead to my future. I want to be free from my past. I know I made many many mistakes and did a lot of things out of ignorance. I had road blocks. I want a husband because I am getting older and I am ready to settle down with one person. I want happiness. Some may say it’s too late for me to finally get a clue; some may say I lost my final chance. I say I have the ability. My daylight has not turned into darkness yet. I don’t want to live in regret and sadness about yesterday anymore. I can’t get back to what I lost but I can start over.
I call this the top of my game two because I know I am headed in a direction that will allow me to walk in the path God had prepared for me. I give it all up today: all the abuse, all the broken relationships, all the failures, all the broken promises, all the lost loves, all the sadness, all of the depression, all of the regret. I give it up.
I hope who ever reads this they will find peace and look to the future and not give up. You have one more push in you. Go for it. If it makes you happy and will give you the since of accomplishment and achievement, then go for it. I urge you before your sun sets and there’s nothing left to do. It’s never too late to start over. And when I finally do hit the mark, I will finally be able to grow up and feel I felt when I did accomplish some things. I will be successful and I will be happy one day.