Every time I come across a story about the extravagant lives of Hollywood’s pampered celebutoddlers, I wonder what their futures have in store. Will Shiloh and Suri take after their crazy celebrity parents? Will Bronx and Kingston be musicians, too? Will they be well-adjusted, successful people, or will fame and wealth get the best of them? I lack the proper equipment to travel through time and answer these questions conclusively, but my skills of speculation are unsurpassed and I’m not afraid to use them. Here are my best bets for what four of Hollywood’s royal rug rats will be up to in twenty-five years.
Shiloh Jolie-Pitt: Move Over, David Sedaris
Every blessing has its downside: while springing from the loins of two of the most beautiful people on the planet sounds like the ultimate golden ticket, the scrutiny that inevitably comes with it is bound to be a curse. No matter if she cares about being the prettiest of them all, Shiloh’s appearance will be picked apart by a voracious and fickle public. This, paired with the fact that she’s a middle child in the prolonged U.N. convention that is her household, means she will need to develop some coping skills. And judging by Angelina’s comment in Vanity Fair last year that Shiloh is “hysterically funny, one of the goofiest, most playful people you’ll ever meet,” she already has.
Shiloh’s ticket to success, should she choose to cash it in, will be memoir writing à la David Sedaris, another middle child in an unconventional family who used his family’s hilarious dysfunction to his literary advantage. Shiloh will already have a built-in audience, considering there’s not a person on the planet that’s not curious about the Pitt-Jolie household, and if she’s funny at all, then she’s already got a leg up on half the celebrity authors out there.
Suri Cruise: Thetan-Battling Ballerina
I want things to work out for Suri; I really do. But it’s hard to imagine how she’s going to emerge from a childhood of daily audits and thetan counts without a few issues to work through. Scientology teaches that children should be treated like tiny adults who are capable of making their own adultlike decisions; this, paired with the fact that Tom and Katie are filthy rich and can afford to indulge all of Suri’s outlandish whims, results in a toddler with a wardrobe rumored to be worth $3 million and a prolonged devotion to her pacifier. It seems inevitable that little Suri is going to act out in search of boundaries.
But the typical brand of Hollywood celebutante rebellion will be too pedestrian for Suri; no rehab, reality TV, or ankle bracelets here. Instead, she will find comfort in the strict and structured world of ballet—an activity she’s already taken up, and which genetics seems to have primed her for with Katie’s long, lean frame and Tom’s relative tininess. She will use dance to explore her inner Black Swan and to exorcise the heaps of thetan-lovin’ (or is it hatin’?) crazy that she’s repressed throughout the years. All we can hope is that her swan is a little more Kunis than Portman.
Bronx Mowgli Wentz: Reluctant Car Salesman
Okay, so it’s unlikely that the son of a pop star would grow up wanting to sell cars, but you’ve gotta wonder what Ashlee and Pete were thinking when they gave this kid the moniker “BMW.” Were they looking for an endorsement deal? Did their old car break down? Whatever the case, it’s safe to assume that Bronx’s parents really like cars, and what does a son want more than his parents’ approval? This primal yearning will lead Bronx to the DMV, where he will apply for a vehicle salesperson license and eventually to the BMW car dealership in Santa Monica, where he will live out his parents’ materialistic dreams and most likely change his first name to Brian or something less likely to alienate customers and people in general. He might even sell Ashlee a Beemer at a discount rate if her so-called career is in a slump.
Kingston Rossdale: A New Jack Sparrow, Finally
It’s pretty clear that Kingston is going to be a heartbreaker. His rock ’n’ roll parents are so stylish, artistic, and just plain with it, they could have gotten away with naming their firstborn I’m-Cooler-Than-You-Are Rossdale—because it’ll probably be true. Although it seems the little man is being groomed to be a musician like his daddy or a fashion designer like his mommy, I think Kingston, with this already evident charm and effortless good looks, will inevitably end up on the big screen. But he won’t be an Affleck or Ryan Reynolds. Gwen and Gavin will have instilled deep reverence for originality and individuality in their children, so Kingston will be drawn to quirky roles that minimize his heartthrob status and boost his indie street cred, much like our generation’s reluctant heartthrob Johnny Depp. These similarities will not go unnoticed by producers of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, which in 2036 will be releasing its fifteenth installment of the series with a seventy-three-year-old Jack Sparrow at the helm. Kingston will go mainstream for the role, allowing Mr. Depp to finally live out his golden years frolicking in the hills of France.