What astounds me is the capability of the body staying with a concept/memory fragment even when it knows that it is no longer needed for the body system. I am forty-one years old and as I lay on the table nude covered with a towel I became aware the traumatic memory of being roughly handled in the nursery at the hospital was very much trapped inside me. An infant vulnerable after being severely manipulated by a forceps birth, being drugged to the point of energetic vacancy, had to endure the whips of quick movements by an uncaring health provider.
One may ask how do I remember this, or was I told? A few years back I did a session for myself using a technique I had learned that allowed me to access that event and the nuances there of. When I called my mother to share with her what I was able to “see” she was unable to understand how I could know such detail about my birth and the time that followed. I knew that all the data that comes from life experience is stored in the body but I had not experienced that kind of recall. I remember telling my mother about the abuse
from the nurse and she said “I don’t think that could have happened.” When I described what the nurse looked like she said, “That bitch, I didn’t like her either; I wanted to hurt her.” I asked her then, “Do you still doubt me?”
So here I was on the table, “feeling” what my body had stored for over forty-one years as if I was there in the Longmont Community Hospital, recalling the sense of fear, rejection, loneliness, hate, and confusion and recognizing that those feelings have been ever present in my life. I was asked what did the infant ME want to share with the adult ME. All I could hear was let me die here. To die was that a literal death or a death to that reality to a new reality, that was what I had to know. I began to cry because “I” had been trying to kill the “real” me all these years because I did not want to be in this body because it represented pain. I wanted to be in that spiritual place where I was not expected to don a fleshly appearance and that I could come and go as I pleased; a place where I did not have to be connected to the VILE people. Now is the idea of a non-fleshly life real in the Christian sense of the earthly perception? I do not know. What we believe or perceive when we experience trauma is relative. What I do know is, the unconscious developed a self-loathing in regard to the expectation that as a human I had to accept abuse and there was nothing I could do about it, other than self-death.
As my head was cradled and I allowed myself to feel and see the post birth trauma and understand how it was related to my touch issues both in how I received physical feeling and more importantly how I emotional felt, I began to reconcile the “time” between then and now. I was disgusted that I had to reconcile being in this body that I so hated and that I was to be or remain in it if I am to do the tasks that Jehovah God has set before me. Fortunately I have been used to letting my will go for the higher good of others and I worked on letting go of the resentment of being physically connected in body to those genetically related to me.
I begin to see that I wanted to and could set in motion a genetic selection that would alter my connection to anyone I chose to be separate from. I saw that my physical self could be altered biologically to the DNA strand so that the scars could truly heal and that the body I inhabit might actually recognizably change. I could look and feel younger. How any or all of that came to fruition is not my concern, as I look upon GOD knowing anything is possible for HIM.
I see to my universal oneness with spirit beings as I have never before, I feel the mass, size and shape of my physical body as never before. It is an awareness that I cannot describe to any detail, more that I just did. It just IS as GOD just IS. I do not have any sense that I am better or more important than anyone else I only know that how I experienced this package called a body will not remain the same. In fact how I feel in all sense of the word will never be the same.