I have just recently lost what I feel like is a lot this week. Well enough to cause a turning point in my life. I got terminated from my first real job of only four weeks. And managed in the same week to lose my two best friends. It was all my doing to, all my mistakes. I at this moment am in disbelief in myself. ”How could you let this happen?” “What were you thinking” “You knew better” and etc, etc, etc. I’m interrogating myself with a million questions in the unbelief that I actually acted like that, as if I was not myself.

This week I have been having the hardest time getting out of my own depression and I tell you its very dangerous staying in your feelings. That’s exactly what I have been doing. I’ve made this the end of my world and had many thoughts of harming myself. But thanks to a person who knows me best, my mother, as I write this very paragraph I am deciding to move forward and move ahead. Both of my friends are in new seasons in there life and so I am but I’m not living it how it should be. They want that for me as much as anybody else. So I’m changing for myself so that I can truly live and treat other people better. Also, so I can take back my joy and not create a giant hole of emptiness by not experiencing love. I’ve always been afraid of rejection. I have been making my fear my reality by rejecting the love of people close to me.

Now my mistakes to others may not be storybook severity to whomever wants to put levels on how to hurt friends or people. There is no level in hurt; hurt is hurt. I believe it was a built up of many other things as well. However, treat others how you want to be treated. Never take people for granted. Enjoy every single moment of the very second with the people you say you love, because showing them is different from telling them. Listen and Love and Learn.

I’ve also had so much encouragement this week that I did find hard to see in my blindness. Number one I have to stop being so hard on myself. I have to love myself so I can love others. I’m definitely starting by knowing the love of God and learning how to remain in his love. Also, love is a give and take. Something everyone can use an extra lesson on. Nevertheless there is no harm in actually practicing something that should be natural by simply caring for people and showing them that you care. 

So not myself makes sense, because I know I can be better and do better. If I can ask myself all those “million of questions” then I can know that I don’t have to be that person. Therefore goodbye to “not myself” and welcome myself.

“Learn from yesterday, Live for today, Hope for tomorrow but the important thing is to never stop questioning.” ­–Albert Einstein