I tried to write this in third person, but it just wasn’t coming out right. I have never been one to hide much; I consider this to be one of my many faults. This is a reflection on the year that I have spent going back and forth with two men who I hate, but also cannot leave. I began “relationships” with them around this time last year and here I am a year later still doing all the same things and playing the same stupid games.
The Executive was the first. He promised new adventures and opened my eyes to a whole different side of me that I didn’t know existed. He texts when he wants, responds when he wants, does what he wants and inevitably gets what he wants. I cannot count how many times I have deleted and swore to myself that I’d never speak to him again. But I always go back. Truth is, I believe his lies and all the somewhat sweet things he says, which really I would never expect to come from him. He knows how to give me just a little of what I want to keep me around. He plays this game well and has me hanging on his every word. He hints at a possibility of something more and I know he is lying, but I don’t care. I could listen to his lies for eternity and be content. He says he misses me, that he needs me; that we will always belong to one another . . . but I don’t believe him. In this game, talk is cheap and no matter what I want to believe the actions speak louder than words.
The Charmer spelled disaster from the beginning. I knew that this was doomed from the start, but of course, against my better judgment, went along with it. The difference between him and The Executive is that I know without a doubt that he cannot be trusted. He lies about things that don’t need to be lied about and tells me he misses me when I know he doesn’t. I truly hate the way he makes me feel, but I keep coming back for more. The morning walk to my car leaves me shaking my head and telling myself that was really the last time. But it’s not and I know it and he knows it. He knows that no matter how many times I say go away, I will be the one to come back. Truth is, I don’t really miss him or anything about him. It’s more about wanting something, needing someone to be a Band-Aid when in reality I need stitches.
So a year later, I am still here. The Executive is gone and at the moment playing his ignoring me game until he decides I’ve been tortured enough and comes back. The Charmer I think is over the situation as much as I am, but we will see. And unfortunately since neither of them are giving me the attention I need, I am moving on to The United in hopes that for now he will give me what I need.