I have always believed in myself. I believed in everything I decide to do and say. I believe in everything I feel, love or hatred, disappointments or joy. I always trust my inner voice and confide in my own self. I’m not the typical woman who loves the crowd and has too many friends. I can go to a place or a mall by myself and I much prefer to be alone. In my most free time I love to write, read, and think … I think a lot about things and for twenty-four years I’m contented and satisfied with the kind of life I am living. I never ask for anything or anyone. I believe this is my life and this is where I am supposed to be, this is what I deserve, this is my destiny, my fate.
Until one day I went on vacation and I met someone I never thought would come along and changed everything in my life. We have been dating for two years, though our relationship was a secret affair from our family because both our parents are against us. It was two long hard years for us hiding it all, but we were strong to stand still and fight our love for each other. We fight for that love but there is no secret that will remain forever a secret. My parents knew and they are all so desperate to break us apart to end up the forbidden relationship. But when my dad give me a choice—him or the man I love, my heart chose the man I love and so I was sent away from home and for ten years we’ve lived together and we had two wonderful girls … First few years of our life as a couple, (though we were not married because we don’t want to get married without our parents blessings ) was a perfect family like what I have seen in tales and movies, we were happy, we had problems, but we find solutions hand in hand. We walk through life with a smile and love in our hearts.
Sometimes, some good things really never last. Unfortunately, the relationship didn’t last long. On our tenth year we parted ways due to some other parties involved since he started going on board international vessels. I tried to make the relationship work, but he wanted someone he can be proud to introduce to his family as his wife, the woman he loves. He wanted a normal life with the blessings of his family. I cannot blame him … I tried to save the relationship maybe in time for our parents to accept us, but he left and my heart did let go of the heart of my soul … leaving me bitter and in pain of rejection. I tried to move on with life alone, as a single mom, depending on no one, I have not so many friends and even worst, I don’t have a family anymore. Since the day I eloped with him I was already thrown out of my home and since then I don’t talk to my family anymore … there is no one I can run to, except myself … I must be strong for myself and my kids. I must continue to fight and live life … I became hard with life, I became much stronger and to me LOVE is just a game people love to play. I hate men and I don’t believe in love anymore. Men to me are bullshits! I work and work to devote my time to it and my kids.
But who would have known I will just find myself in the prison of love again … several years passed and I fell in love again and desperately I fell in love with someone maybe real and maybe not. I know him in the net and he is a very good guy, respectable, well mannered, and educated but sadly he is a married man with issues with his wife. We dated on net, we spend a lot of time chatting, talking about life, my life, his life, and all that is happening to us before, now, and what might happen in the future. He has always been there by my side, in my ups and downs, in my desperate moments, he has always been there, and he has never left me. I tried to ignore him many times but he never give up on me and I began to love him more … we plan to meet somewhere where we can be free to spend few days for each other.
Everything is smooth sailing, though it’s just in the net, but the feelings go deeper beyond what I expect and I could even hardly recognize my own self anymore. My life became so easy I hardly feel the hardness of lif. I love him more than the love I have felt for my girls dad … he has changed me a lot, he softens my heart, wakens my mind, open my eyes and shows me that love is wonderful even if you don’t touch each other, hear each other, spend time in person. Love and care could still exist. I know where I stand in our relationship … but I’m willing to settle down for less with him, I learned to be content that it’s just all he can give me, but I’m happy, I’m overwhelmed with joy thinking that somewhere out there in this vast universe million miles away there is someone who cares for me, someone who loves me as I am, someone who takes me as I am, accepts my frailties and weaknesses … but amidst the joy I have, somewhere in the corners of my heart I know I will be loving him in silence where only we know. He can never be mine, I can never take care of him when he gets sick, when we grew old I wouldn’t be the one to stand on his side and hold his algid pale hands. Forever I will love him with pain and joy … and I know I have truly loved because I don’t expect anything from that love. If this is so, why did I fall in love with a married man? I could have walked out right from the start but my heart cannot and my mind will not. I know what’s right from wrong but I know I did nothing wrong to him or to his family, I just love him but I don’t demand his time and attention for me, I don’t demand anything from him. I am just happy and satisfied that he is there in my life … is this true love?
I know one day I’m going to lose him … but I also know that I have his heart. And that thought keeps me moving on with life … that thought teaches me the greatness of loving without anything in return. A love with no if’s and but’s. Now, I still believe in myself … I have gathered back the broken pieces and I’m stronger now than before. Cause I love without boundaries … so, is this what it takes to love?