I hate dating—let me just start with that. I would rather be tarred and feathered and then maybe dropped in a vat of hot acid before I would put myself out there again. I am done- stick that fork in me now! I have, as of this moment, retired from dating- at least that’s my mantra for this year and I am sticking to it. I feel like I have been dating forever and I have nothing to show for it. It’s like I bought a bunch of pants at the Gap last year and I can’t wear them now. They say dating is overrated, but who says that? Probably the people like me who are still single. Before I go any further, I must say that I don’t really care that much about being single or not having a partner to “share my life with.” I love my life as it is. I have great friends, a great career and I know how to program the time on the BlueRay player. It’s not like I need to be in a relationship, but sometimes, I miss being in a relationship. And it also seems to bother everyone I tell. It’s almost like when I tell people that I am single, they look at me like I have three heads. There is a huge elephant in the room and I am the elephant. How did that happen?
Dating can have its privileges and it is fun at times, but when you are single (whether it is your fault or not) why the hell does it feel like everyone in the world thinks there is something wrong with you? Why is it when you are single, (and over a certain age) that it is not appropriate to be single anymore? Apparently, if you are single and you are over a certain age, you are either a) lesbian or gay b) A- sexual or c) demented in some way? (Please note that I have no problems being called any of those things—I went to Junior High School). I would argue that I am d) none of the above, and that it is actually better to be single…and here’s why.
1. Kids suck—OK, kids don’t really suck. But you have to feed them and clothe them and water them—and they can suck you dry monetarily. They are sponges really. OK, so kids are cute and I guess they are fun to be around, but the world is overpopulated as it is. People who are single and who don’t have kids should really be revered rather than be treated like lepers. We should really get a medal from the Environmental Protection Agency (or Al Gore) for doing our part to save the environment. We singelton’s are truly looking out for the rest of the world.
2. You get to sleep wherever you want to in your bed. Beds are not that big and you don’t have to choose a side. You can snore as loud as you want. You can eat chips while sitting under the covers. You don’t have to wash your sheets for months if you don’t want to. Plus, you never have to sleep in the wet spot. You can sleep sideways if you damn well please. FREEDOM!
3. You get to eat whatever you want to and you never have to utter the words “you better eat that or you will be at the table until you do” or “if you don’t eat that right this minute then you will have to go to bed hungry” or “if you don’t eat that freaking vegetable right now I will take your cell phone away for a week.”
And you don’t have to hear the words, “honey, are you sure you want to eat that?” or “my business partner’s wife is allergic to gluten so that huge ten course meal you just slaved over for five hours, can you make sure it does not have any bread or any kind of real food in it?” As you can see, being single with no kids and no mate helps keep the wrinkles on your face away (no Botox needed). And you never have to worry that you are turning into your mother (BONUS). In the end, you can actually eat food with weird names and you don’t have to end up getting a complete face transplant. It’s a win, win!
4. You get to be as messy as you want. You want to be a hoarder? Be a hoarder. You want to live with 2000 rats in your house? You can. Without the chains of children or a spouse, you can break free and be as disgusting as you want to be. And, you never have to worry about CPS knocking at your door at three in the afternoon or your partner’s parents showing up unannounced. Life has never been better!
5. You get to sleep with whomever you want, whenever you want and you never have to talk to them again. Nuff said.
6. You can spend as much money as you want on worthless crap that you don’t need but that Cosmo or Goop said you must have. As a caveat, being single means that you don’t have to buy useless birthday or Valentine’s Day presents or ten dollar cards (that are just going to be pitched in the trash two minutes later) that say “OUR LOVE WILL LAST FOREVER.” You can save money or be as broke as a MOTHA—it doesn’t matter. The choice is yours.
7. You don’t have to deal with crazy extraterrestrial soccer team parents or in laws. Score.
8. You don’t have to say, “WE.”
9. You can go out and get drunk and sing karaoke with drag queens at Lucky Cheng’s on a school night and sleep as late as you want to the next day without interruption from screaming kids or wining husbands or wives (please note—I have totally done that).
10. You can walk around your house buck naked playing the bongos, while eating a corn dog, while learning the Evolution of Dance, while listening to Regulate by Warren G—and you never have to question why you are acting like a complete freakazoid or feel embarrassed that someone is going to walk in and see you (please note—I have never done that).
11. You can actually change the duvet cover by yourself now by learning it on the internet. Thanks, YouTube.
12. You get to travel wherever you want to go and you can always carry on.
13. If you get lonely, there’s an app for that.
I could go on and on. You see, there are a lot of advantages to being single or more importantly being retired from dating. I hope this list helps you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just remember, if you get dumped, just say this mantra “IT’S THEM, NOT YOU” and be thankful you don’t have to watch Sunday football or bake cookies for the school play … And if your mother starts nagging you, just remind her of the Octomom or Kim Kardashian. That will shut her up for a while. And lastly, and don’t forget, you don’t have to sleep in the wet spot.