I will admit that at first I was terrified and pushed you away. Because I was scared when I realized somewhere along the way of our close friendship I had hopelessly fallen so hard for you. When I admitted to myself finally how I felt it took everything in me to work up the courage to confess my love to you. But I was too late. You had tried so hard to convince me that our friendship wouldn’t be ruined if we became a couple, foolishly I pulled away. So you rekindled a romance with an old flame and she worked her magic on you because you were lost to me.
Our friendship ended and I moved on with my life trying so very hard to forget you. I even met someone truly amazing and who adored me the way I always envisioned it could be. Just something was missing. I felt disconnected no matter what I did. I knew it was a problem when I was trying to “force” my feelings for my new guy. Who knew that I could make my world so complicated with the next few events that unfolded before me.
Close to a year has passed and I get an email. In the middle of the week in the middle of the day I check my inbox and I see your name. My heart stops and my palms get sweaty. How you still have this affect on me after all these months I don’t understand. I read this email and my world has changed in that instant. This whole time you have thought, dreamed, and wondered about me. You regretted letting me go and cannot even come close to what you felt for me as you do with her. So slowly emails turn into text messages that turn into phone calls that turn into me seeing you. It was like no time had passed. We hugged one another, talked for what it seemed like hours. Life had changed dramatically for you. Engaged and a baby on the way. I couldn’t be happier for you, but the pain of hearing the news broke my heart. In some small way I was jealous because deep inside I knew that should have been me. We spoke of finally what happened back all those months ago. Talked about things that were long overdue.
I must say this gave me closure of some sort, but it also flooded all my emotions that I kept under lock and key these past ten months. To realize I still loved you hopelessly after all this time. But you weren’t mine anymore; you hadn’t been mine in a very long time. I knowingly pushed you away and gave you to her. That’s something I have to live with for some time.
What if … I hate those two words so much. But yes my darling you will be my only “what if” I will ever have. You were wonderful, beautiful, and my heart. Just now I have to move on get over you.