Every day, I look up at the blue sky and wonder if the color of his eyes is lighter, deeper, or changing. I find myself in his endless blue eyes. I also find the first emotions as a teenager with an adult’s appreciation. Pure, romantic feelings that make me smile and fill up my dreams. I can feel his presence so close in spite of the distance.
I often imagine our first encounter, face to face, I am not even sure if that will happen. Deep inside, the anticipated emotion is already there, embellishing and bringing to life everything in this world. The same emotion would sparkle in our eyes, our trembling hands become clumsy and our conversation meaningless. We would know then that every single path we have taken, no matter how diverse and remote, has led us here. In front of that person, the last door to Happiness has opened. That final destination is magical, unreal, and inconceivable. His fingers around mine, his voice keeps talking about the long wait that has finally ended. Then, a peaceful moment of silence falls. The last barriers are gracefully broken. Our souls become one as our lips meet each other. The uneven contour of his face, the roughness of his lightly growing beard, his muscular legs … all that makes his masculinity is melting me down. Slowly, we resurface from that stage and the moving objects around us come to a standstill. The silence brings out more clearly our own mixing breaths, shaken with pleasure. It is time to let our bodies dance the song of Love and forget our fears. Forget the two lonely strangers that we were before. Together, now, we are reaching Heaven. We are sharing a blue moment.
I am planning to meet with him this summer, with the intention of continuing or ending this relationship. The confrontation may be fatal. And that desire may quietly vanish in the darkness of our lonely hearts. Goodbyes would be said with neither tears nor dramas. Each person returns to their small life, quieter than before. Or, things would take a passionate turn, and the love that shines in our eyes is the pure reflection of happiness. The kind of love that gives you the force to cope with anything and the lightness of mind to embrace human imperfections. Actually, all that counts is the courage to make a choice and accept its consequences. There is a simple, easy choice of staying where we are, separately, and never try to see each other. To me, that choice would lead us to the final act. The ultimate moment when we find ourselves desperately lonely, facing our crushed desire and our heart emptied of all possibilities of love. If that happens, the tomorrows of our lives would look plain and fully alike.
A constant solitude remains the only real, unchanged condition. It stays with me, faithful companion from the beginning until the end. You must move on, no matter the cost, following the seasons of life. At midway, where I am standing now, I have also realized that we have to believe in the Gentleness of each person’s heart, and Love. Love again, above all, without remorse.