Sitting in my hospital room of the Women's center, listening to the fragile and miraculous sounds of newborn babies crying in the surrounding rooms brings a bittersweet feeling to my heart today. I suppose if you have to be in the hospital at all, this is the place to be.
Eleven days ago, I went in for an ultra sound and found my baby no longer had a heart beat; four days later I went in for D&C surgery, which lead to complications, an infection and a 2nd surgery yesterday. Thank fully, I am now finally on the mend and look forward to going home to my other sweet children who sit waiting anxiously for my return.
This, my most-recent curve ball, thrown at me in this adventure we call life, is not an uncommon one, and thousands of women share in the disappointment and heartache I have battled for the past week. I like so many, can look back on the past, and present and ponder the many challenges, and seemingly unfairness that can sometimes trump us.
My question; why has so much change, so many trials, and huge amounts of stress, happened in such a short amount of time? My Mother's illness, leaving her body wracked with pain, before losing her seven months later, and leaving me fumbling to put my life without her, back on track. My sweet step-daughter coming to live with us full time, such an immense joy, and yet a big adjustment and change for everyone involved, temporary unemployment, and the anxiety and stress from financial obligations. Sometimes it can seem never ending, when suddenly a miracle occurs, something that the simplicity of two pink lines, can bring a joyous halt to the overwhelming demands life can suck from you. I was pregnant again, and new joy, and hope replaced some of the emptiness I'd lost this past year. So the re-occurring question; why? Why would life give me one of my deepest heart's desires for such a short time, and so cruelly rip it away? Not just quietly, but in such a fierce way as it has this past week, and after such an emotional and challenging year already?
These are my particular questions; however, everyone has their personal stories, their individual experiences, their private challenges, their own heartaches; some may mirror mine; some may be entirely different, but one thing is certain; everyone has them, and everyone at some point has begged the question, Why?
My thoughts, for whatever it's worth, are these:
Life is a fickle beast. It always has been, and consistently will be.
The famous quote by Freidrich Nietzsche: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger," also sums it up perfectly, in my opinion.
It is so much easier to slump away into a dark room and shut out the world when something discouraging, or traumatic happens. A little depression, and a time for mourning any sad event is normal and perfectly acceptable, but in time we all need to remember something my Mother always said to me, I can still hear her whispering it into my ear. "Count your blessings JoAnne, here I'll help you: 1. You have a wonderful husband who goes to work everyday so you can stay home and raise your children. 2. You have two perfectly healthy and vivacious little boys who worship you. 3. You are healthy and can still play with you children. 4. You have a very loving and generous family." 5. 6. Etc.
My Mom could go on and on, counting blessings for me. It was always a very humbling experience, and her point was unfailingly made.
Now that she's gone, I'm left to do it on my own today. Not surprisingly, I find it is not hard, when I get a picture on my iphone of a delicious meal; my husband has made for me, knowing how hospital food can be. Followed by two video clips from two precious little boys declaring their love for me and counting the minutes until I get home, and a text message from my teen-age stepdaughter telling me how much she misses me.
Whatever fickleness your personal life shows you, know that with every challenge, every disappointment, and each heartbreak, you are becoming a stronger person, a more compassionate individual, a deeper human being, and someone many people will admire, if you can stand tall, and throw your shoulders back, accepting the next challenge, whatever it may be, with courage. And it wouldn't hurt to take the advice from my own Mother; count your blessings; here I'll help you: #1…