I was a petite four-year-old girl when I accidently fell in the toilet. It turned into a 35-year ordeal until divine justice finally stepped in.
I recall thinking I‘m a big girl now, I’ll just sit all the way back on the seat. Suddenly, kaplunk, splash.
Just my upper arms, lower legs and my face stuck out of the toilet while the rest of my body was below in what I thought was a rather large bowl of cold water.
“Help!” I wailed, “Somebody come get me!”
My mother bolted into the bathroom and took one look at me and started to laugh.
“It’s not funny!” I began to plead, “Please get me out of here.”
“Hon. Hon! Where’s the camera, come quick!” She bellowed out the bathroom doorway into the rest of the house and with a flash of her finger pointed up towards her nose in the shhh symbol and said:
“Don’t go anywhere.”
As if I could get myself out my predicament. Didn’t she realize this was not funny and not a moment to share with the rest of the family?
Luckily for me, Dad couldn’t find the Polaroid Instamatic, but my mother did bring him and my brother to see the tiny spectacle growing rather inpatient in the porcelain prison. They all thought it was the most hysterical thing they ever saw to be stuck in the toilet trying my hardest to get out. The three of them stood in the doorway laughing in hysterics while my arms and legs were flailing about trying to get out of the toilet.
Eventually Mom did fish me out, but little did I know my parents would tell the entire extended family what happened with giddy glee. They would tell their friends. My brother would tell his friends and my friends, too. For months I heard from my brother that I was too much of a baby to use the toilet and needed to be potty trained all over again. They would all tell the story to anyone they could: strangers on the street, friends, potential dates. I think they even told the mail carrier.
Well boys came and went and cameras have evolved, but I finally got the last laugh. Years later my brother was supposed to be watching his children while his wife was out running errands. Of course he fell asleep on the couch. What did he wake up to? My four-year-old niece was pouring cupfuls of toilet water onto his face and into his mouth to wake him up.
Of course who did my parents tell? Everyone. Sometimes you don’t even need to do anything to feel divine retribution in your favor.