Sitting in silence I can not deny the chaotic, simple life I live. It is simple in that I can not remember the last time I discouraged the caution signs that instinctively rise before me with each decision and opportunity. It is chaotic in that for all of the safe decisions I make there are a thousand more unknowns to rise somewhere before me.
My days are predictable… wake in the morning, work on time, quick lunch, back to work, go home tired, write until drowsiness overrides my clarity, fall asleep exhausted, rise and repeat cycle. I do not resent my responsibilities or the respect that comes with carrying them out. I do not regret the expectations others have of me. I do however desire to add to my life laughter, love, and hopefully a family of my own one day. Such additions can not be found though without taking a chance and perhaps stepping away from the predictable path I live by.
I sometimes dare to wonder what would happen if I hit snooze one morning or if I were five minutes late to work? What would it matter if I wore that favored dress hidden in my closet rather than the usual attire? If I accepted the phrase “nothing to lose” and tried once more to reach the one that let me go would the risk pay off and my heart quit aching or would my chance result in shame? If I could forget for just once what was expected of me and take a break what chances would I take? What difference would it make?
Though I do not intend to throw away a day or waste one night, the right decision is not always crystal clear. Not every option can be labeled right and wrong, safe and dangerous, wise and foolish. I do not always find how best to reach what I want the most. I know there to be a fine line between being cautious and reckless. It is a line I must learn to walk. What to do or say is something I must decide. There is no easy answer. I can only do what I think I must and pray that in the end it will all work out for the best. It is with this resolve that my life suddenly no longer appears predictable, but exciting.