A while back I wrote about reading my hometown newspaper, specifically the police reports and court cases. I’m still doing that and for whatever reason, they are still striking me as hilarious. Not that I enjoy reading about the problems other people have, which basically make mine look as minor as a hangnail, but because it amazes me that our society has sunken so low as to commit the types of crimes that I am reading about. Perhapsthat's because I come from such a small town and there isn’t much for folks to do there. Whatever the reason, I bring to you “Criminal Minds, Part Deux.”
Name Withheld, Old Enough To Know Better, will be charged with a DUI for almost hitting a police cruiser. His blood alcohol content was more than double the legal limit, which explains the incident in its entirety. The man pulled out from a bar into the path of a police car. Dude, if you’ve been drinking that much, don’t drive. And if you plan on being stupid and driving anyway, make sure the person you pull out in front of doesn’t have the authority to put you in jail for your idiocy.
Again, I’m withholding names so I don’t get sued for libel. This fool picked up his truck at a repair shop and didn’t want to pay. He got behind the wheel and, as he drove away, an employee of the garage jumped into the bed of the truck. The newspaper reports that the driver took the employee on the “ride of his life” over local roads and a few interstates. While the passenger wasn’t hurt, you have to imagine what possessed him to risk his life for money. But the real asstrocity here is the owner of the truck. It’s not like the police wouldn’t be able to track him down to get the money so where did he think he was going? They fixed your vehicle, pay up! Idiot!
What would possess a man to loan his nearly new car to two men he only knew as Nice and Junior? And then be surprised that they didn’t return it? Seriously, I didn’t make it up.
Why would anyone, after putting themselves on the self-exclusion list at a casino, go back there? He was arrested for trespassing. I swear I didn’t make this up either.
Someone stole seven beehives from a local man. I don’t think I have anything to say about this. Except I hope whoever did it got stung a million times in the process.
This is a good one. A woman with three prior convictions of retail theft is under arrest for stealing a bottle of chocolate milk. Worth 79 cents. Thirsty much?
Two men got caught walking out of Walmart carrying three large flat screen televisions. For the love of all, did they think that no one would notice? I am imagining that these guys were having a beer at a local bar and one says to the other, “Hey, let’s go to Walmart and see how many TV’s we can rip off without anyone seeing us.” Ya think? They didn’t even get them all loaded in their car before they were arrested. I am still chuckling.
A woman was charged for “failure to make required disposition of funds”. She didn’t pay the Girl Scouts for 150 boxes of cookies. First of all, this is a stupid idea. Second, who did she hurt the most? Her daughter. Lastly, it’s almost as bad as taking an old lady’s social security check. The Girl Scouts? C’mon, lady.
This last one (and I’m sure y’all are saying thank God for that) is my favorite. The caption read “Writing in Blood”, which should give a clue about the lunacy of this person. A woman driving a car with a load exhaust drives around a neighborhood a few times, parks and gets out holding a towel wrapped around her bleeding hand. She proceeds to write a nasty word on several cars. Then she left. Cops can’t track her down because her registration wasn’t…um…registered? But what the heck, the girl left her DNA all over the cars she decorated. Not the smartest thing to do, I’m thinking. Either someone really ticked her off or she’s just really nutso.
Well, that’s all that has tickled my funny bone lately. I hope you got at least a smile out of one or two. If not, don’t feel bad. Not too many folks get my quirky. If fact, I don’t think anyone outside of my head does.