This week on The Bachelor, Ben and the six potential Mrs. Flajniks travel to the beautiful island of Belize, sparking a number of unfortunate puns such as, “Do you Belize in love?” It is, however, hard to say if this was an intentional play on words or if the ladies were simply slurring after one too many piña coladas. Ben demonstrates his relaxed island persona by donning several unbecoming tank tops that he scored from the juniors section at Target and one-size-too-small pin-striped board shorts. The pressure is on this week, because it’s the week before hometown dates, where Ben will meet four sets of disapproving parents. The added tension makes for more cut-throat cattiness amongst the girls, last-ditch efforts to win Ben’s heart, several metaphor-inducing romantic moments, and a generous helping of golden quotes that are far too humorous to ignore. Although it’s difficult to whittle down the most ridiculous statements of the night, some outshine the rest. Read on to see which quotes took the show to new levels of cheesiness, ridiculousness, and utter insanity.
“Ben’s my Prince Charming because … he just is a Prince Charming.” —Lindzi
Much to our surprise, Ben picks up Lindzi for the first one-on-one date in a helicopter and takes her to the Blue Hole: a dark, terrifying five-hundred-foot-deep pool in the middle of the ocean. Lindzi is afraid of heights so naturally she is instructed to jump Navy Seal–style into the water. Fast-forward several metaphors about “jumping into the unknown” to the second half of their date, which consists of a picnic-style dinner on a dock. After getting substantially blitzed, Ben gives Lindzi a piece of paper, pen, and what looks suspiciously similar to an empty bottle of Smirnoff vodka. Following the directions of the producers, Ben prompts her to write their love story on the paper, which will then be placed into the bottle and sent out to sea. They draw a few stick figures and sloppily scribble down lines from Cinderella while Lindzi gushes about finally finding her Prince Charming. They then weakly toss the bottle into the ocean where it will soon become a murder weapon to an unsuspecting sea creature that chokes on their romantic babble.
“I mean I’ll go in lakes and am convinced that there are going to be sharks in there.” —Rachel
For the three-on-one group date, Ben ambushes Kacie B., Rachel, and Nicki at 5 a.m., sending them to hide their makeup-free faces like vampires shielding themselves from light. They get on a boat and Ben informs the ladies that they will be diving with sharks. Kacie B. and Nicki squeal with unnatural excitement, while Rachel’s face contorts with fear. Of course, Rachel has a horrible phobia of sharks. Maybe she should have put that she’s terrified of romantic dinners or cuddly puppies on her application form instead. She goes on to explain the severity of her phobia and how she’s even fearful of sharks in lakes. Clearly, Rachel missed the day in third grade when her teacher explained the difference between saltwater and freshwater aquatic ecosystems. To calm Rachel’s nerves, Ben throws an absurd amount of chum in the water and holds Rachel’s hand as the they enter the water, braving the dangerous bottom-dwelling, toothless nurse sharks who don’t raise so much as a gill at their presence. Kacie B. whines that Rachel is monopolizing time with Ben and daydreams of slipping some chum into Rachel’s teensy bikini bottoms.
“She’s like a black widow, and she just sucks the life out of everything.”—Kacie B.
Back at The Bachelor contestant holding cell, the girls continue to talk smack about Courtney and how she is here for the wrong reasons. It isn’t until the second half of the three-on-one date that Kacie B. and Nicki confront Ben about Courtney’s foul demeanor around the house. Ben looks detached as he weighs the idea of never seeing Courtney in her birthday suit again and listening to the sound advice of these completely sane women. He’s a dude; guess which side won.
“I want a woman with a little bit of edge, who is a little bit weird.” —Ben
On the second one-on-one date, Ben and Courtney take a walk through the jungle and “come across” a gigantic ancient temple. They climb the steep stairs to the top, making sure to insert the mandatory romantic metaphor: “Each step is like a step in our relationship.” They place a blanket on the ground right where you’d imagine Mayans performed numerous human sacrifices. Sitting where so many people died animalistic deaths makes Courtney feel relaxed enough to tell Ben that she thinks they are losing their spark. Ben scrambles to pick up the pieces by calling her “edgy” and “weird.” Unsurprisingly, Courtney takes these adjectives as compliments and they hug while exclaiming, “We found our spark again!” Good thing Ben said such romantic things or else Courtney would have undoubtedly sacrificed Ben Mayan-style right then and there.
“I’m not here to make friends. I don’t want you to question me at all; I’ve been nothing but honest and open.”—Courtney
In a shocking turn of events, the never-aging host, Chris Harrison, announces that there will be no cocktail party because Ben knows 100 percent what he wants to do. Ben quickly emerges to say that he needs to talk to Courtney one more time because he doesn’t know what to do. All the other girls exchange hopeful glances that this is the evil model’s demise, when in reality Ben just needed to hear one more manipulative speech to put his nerves at rest. Ben starts off by apologizing about how he knows this has been extremely difficult on poor, innocent Courtney, and then he timidly questions her motives. She goes on to say that she’s been nothing but truthful with him. At that point, Bachelor fans nationwide let out a “C’mon!” Courtney scampers back to her place in line and promptly receives a rose. Plus side? Next week we get to see the crazy, dysfunctional family that raised this black widow-esque creature.