Being single again has reminded me that I put the whole vibrator thing on hold while I was busy relating with my partner. I wondered if I’d pulled it out one too many times during sex, scaring any man who couldn’t take me into the end zone for a simple clitoral touchdown. I’ve since learned my lesson: many men don’t like being upstaged by a mechanical object made from the derivative of oil.

Once this last relationship faltered, I didn’t let the past predict the present, so I went online and bought myself a new one. Little did I know that I was also buying a present for the next boyfriend, provided he could handle it when we went to play the game.

I bought the Mini-Magic One-Touch Wireless Waterproof Bullet, which is perfectly silent under the covers. It doesn’t necessarily work well with warming lube, since it’s made of plastic, that oil by-product, and let’s just say that lube and plastic create more of a Slip ‘N Slide sensation, making it hard to stick to task. It does have a simple push on/off button and it turns out this little wonder is waterproof, so when my roommate is out of town, I can bring my new friend into the shower with me for some pre-game action.

My Magic Bullet Mini came with an accessory for when I recruit my new wide receiver, called the Sunburst Ring Kit, which slips easily over my bullet. This ring, made of jelly, will stretch to three inches when the time comes, and reminded me of a more modernized version of the same toy I had bought for my college boyfriend. Back then we thought the two black rings attached to wires and a remote were supposed to go over his balls, now I know better, and unfortunately the boyfriend is now married, so I don’t think we’ll be able to make that past wrong right.

If the Sunburst Ring doesn’t do it for you, then you can dip into a wide array of accessories, kind of like all the options you have with your iPod. There’s the Itty Bitty Bunny Sleeve, if you’re into animals, and The Right Spot, if you’re into the larger dildos with a pulse, or the Feeldoe, if you want to play both offense and defense without the need for major equipment, all while on the field.