Many women consider Cosmopolitan magazine to be the Bible. I am not one of them. Ever since I was a hormone-filled pre-teen, Cosmo has been spewing out the same old crap with a new glossy cover each month—scantily clad celebrities and stale advice. I was fortunate enough to receive their latest book, Cosmo’s Guide to Red Hot Sex. In this literary masterpiece, they have taken their wisdom to a whole new level: a coffee table book meant for your bedside table. Lucky for us, the editors of Cosmo have put all of their dim-witted tips in one sad place.

This book is supposed to be the holy grail of infinite wisdom on anything and everything sex related. Being anti-Cosmo, I tried to keep an open mind when cracking open this hunk of junk. Unfortunately, my skepticism rang true. This book is basically all of their superficial articles repackaged in hard-cover. They do not give any genuine advice; they pretty much just tell you some weird places to touch a penis and encourage you to wear excessive make up. They also litter the book with pictures of half naked perfect-looking women and guys with cheesy smiles.

The book is divided into four sexy sections: preplay, foreplay, the main event, and afterplay. The preplay section encourages you to think about sex all day long. They suggest doing things like getting naked and striking a cat pose, incorporating sexy talk into every day talk (“I’m hot for a mojito” or “that chocolate cake was pure ecstasy”). They also teach you how to have shiny hair and doey eyes to ensure a slam-dunk hot night.

The foreplay section tells you the technical dimensions of a good kiss, encourages you to put a glazed donut on his magic wand and eat it off, and tells you what sweet little ’fits give guys boners. The main event section has some gnarly positions (my favorites: bucking bronco and hot hula) as well as images of pickles to discuss penis size. My favorite part of the afterplay section is their suggestions on what to say after sex: “That felt incredible, Your body is sexy, So, uh, what’s your name again? How are you doing?” (I’m not lying, check out page 211.)

This book should be called Cosmo’s Red Hot Guide to Nothing New. Cosmo has been around for decades and every issue of their magazine tells you pretty much the same exact things with different attempts at witty headlines (How to Turn on Your Man! vs. Get your Lover Really Hard!) I find the bit in the book telling girls to apply self-tanner and pin up hot pictures of themselves (page 14) particularly disturbing. Cosmo is geared toward sorority girls and horny teenagers. This is not a book on real sex for real women. I suggest reading The Guide to Getting it On for some entertaining and honest sex advice. This book is just fluff and pickle-sized penises.