The loneliness I feel inside feels like it is so deep, so deep, that it hurts. Everywhere I turn there are things blocking me from moving forward. I am trying so hard and everywhere I turn there is something there waiting to push me down. Every week is the same this feeling starts on Monday morning when I wake up and realize that I have no where to go, and nothing to do. When I realize that I will be alone for the entire week with no one to turn to for conversation or anything else.
Maybe this is my fault; maybe I let myself get to this stage by caring for other people and not caring for myself. For putting other peoples needs in front of mine. Maybe this is all my fault. How can I be selfish? I don’t know if I can. I don’t think it is the right thing to do, but, I have no more of me to give. I feel like I am no more. Every time, I have to beg my husband to pay attention to me, I lose part of me, I am no more. There is no more to lose, so it’s now just begging. It’s been three years since I have had a job. Why I can’t find one? I really don’t know. I go to interviews and get turned down. My life feels cursed. And no matter how I pray, god isn’t removing the curse. What am I to do?
I check the email, I wait for the phone to ring, just to hear someone on the other side. But there is no one there. No one. I hear the silence around me. I wake up everyday realizing how alone I am. And I don’t know what to do. Is it me? Am I just the kind of person that no one wants to be around, not even my husband. Am I such a bad person that no one wants to talk to me? Is it me?
I am so tired of being pushed down. I don’t think I’ll get back up this time. I can’t handle any more disappointments. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I am meant to do this the rest of my life. Maybe I am meant to be alone. Maybe …