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Being Anorexic and Bulimic

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My frustration started when I was about 8 years old, my mom gave me some vitamins, that made me immediately become fat, it was so frustrating cause I had to look for clothes on the teenagers side since I was too big to fit in my size, I remember one time one of my classmates putting a small pinching object in my seat thank god his conscience made him tell me before I sat and pinch myself but his action was so traumatic for me since I thought I’m so fat he probably though I was going to explode as a balloon when I’d pinch myself.

I was the fattest girl of my classroom, and of my cousins, I was never able to put on a bikini, that was frustrating, when my mom said that I was so fat she asked me to put on a special belt, to be able to have a waist formed, I was so traumatized I would even sleep with it, when I got to be 11 I already had boobs but because of being fat, that was terrible, but as soon I got my 1st menstruation, I suddenly reduce my weight, gosh I was so happy, I felt good again, but I was so scared of getting fat again that I started eating less and less, and i notice that if I would eat a lot even thought I throwed up, it was something horrible, I hated it, so the best for me was not to eat, at all, and whenever I had eaten a lot, I would just throw up, as well I did a lot of exercise.

I always have hated people telling me either if I’m skinny or fat, and whenever someone tell me something about my body I got so depressed, so finally I was like 16 years and was weighing about 75 pounds, my mom was worried and she took me to the nutritionist by force, I hate her because of that, I put up like 5 pounds the most, cause I just was to scared to gain weight, and if they gave me vitamins, I would throw them up, now it was the other way around I couldn’t find clothes on the teenage department, but instead I had to go to the kids department to see if I could find something to wear, I felt happy to be thin, but not eating kept me in total depression.

At 18 I had my first boyfriend, finally I told him, my problem, he tried to help me out and told me that I should get some weight that I would look better, and that no matter what he will always love me, he would get really pissed of, whenever I didn’t eat, so I started to eat and gain some weight, but I became afraid cause I started eating and eating, and every time I ate I felt so bad, so guilty, so finally we broke up. I got really depressed, I wouldn’t eat at all, and kept crying day and night, I would throw up, I actually tried to suicide.

Then time passed by and we stood as close friends, but I kept buying diet pills, laxatives, and everything to stop getting weight, but now it seems impossible, I hate myself, I really would rather die right now that be a fat pig like I see my self I’m obese now, we just ended our relationship with my ex, but right now I’m obese. I’m 1.52 cm… and weighting 120 lbs, that’s too much, my clothes doesn’t fit, I was a size 0 and now I’m a size 5, I’m really depressed, I wear only relax clothes. I’m so embarrassed, that all the people can see how fat I am, I try every day to eat less, I’m trying to throw up, but it seems like I’m too heavy right now also my metabolism is really slow, and I have become lazy, I don’t wear fashion clothes since, I look awful with it.

Now I have even cellulite, something I hate and that I didn’t have, I hate myself for not being  skinny and not able to control myself I’m still trying and hope i can get to be a size 0 again, I hate my boyfriend for encouraging me to eat, sometimes I even think he left me since I’m too fat, I’m really depressed. I still love him, I need him in my life, he made me so happy, I know I will get over this time and become skinny again… I can’t stop thinking about food, I hate myself, but when I eat I can’t stop all the guilty feelings around my head…



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