My daily routine: wake up, crawl out of bed, take a glimpse in the mirror, lift my shirt, and look at my stomach. It looks as though I’m gaining weight more and more each day but everyone else says differently. Sure, I can see my ribcage now but that doesn’t help the fact that I’m HUGE! Walter tells me that he loves my body and that I should eat more because I’m starting to resemble a junkie but I don’t believe him … I wont let myself.
Why? Why can’t I just look the way I wish for everyday? I cut back on eating to a point where I go days on end without eating a single bite of food and yet it seems to do me no good. People have told me that they can see my shoulder blades sticking out but when I look in the mirror, I don’t see it. They say I look so weak and frail but I just shrug it off.
Is it me or is everyone around me obviously looking in a carnival mirror … you know, the kind that makes you look super skinny? I don’t want to eat anymore. My parents make me eat, though. Every time I think of food I get knots in my stomach and feel like I’m terribly ill. The thought of eating that garbage puts tears in my eyes because I know that I’m going to have to eat it and it’s going to make me gain even more weight. I’m going to wind up being as big as a house! I can’t stand it here because all they do is expect me to eat.
I see so many imperfections when I look at myself in the mirror. When I see the reflection or photographs of my face, all I want to do to it is hide it. I don’t want people looking at my face. People tell me all of the time, “You are so beautiful,” and “You’re hot,” and “You are pretty,” and every single time I think to myself, “Are you blind?” When I look at my body it makes me sick. I actually turn away because it grosses me out. I am huge. I weigh like 140-something now and I am huge. People of my age, sixteen, and height, 5’3", should weigh like 110 pounds. God, I wish I weighed that much.
After I eat I always look towards the bathroom door and wonder, “When will I be able to toughen myself up enough to just throw up?” I’m so scared of becoming bulimic. I fear hurting myself with purging. But lately I’ve been getting pretty close. You all probably think I’m nuts or something but this is how I look at myself. Am I crazy?