Nightmare or Lifemare, What Is It?

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My mother and I have a strained relationship. She has controlled everything I have done, from having children to the death of my husband. I started very young having children, I was very attentive to my kids and a few thing happened in my life like, my then boyfriend whom later became my husband was incarcerated for several years which left me with two children and one on the way. I then had to move back home with my mother (I had nowhere to go and no money).

It began slowly with her saying things like you don’t know what your doing with these kids. Then it was I didn’t spend enough time with them (I didn’t work until my youngest was five and in school). I wasn’t allowed to go out without guilt or consequences. Now a few of my children are grown their father has passed and again I find myself alone with my mother and the boys have started to get in trouble. They are getting themselves involved with police issues. I have chased behind them to the point of financial debt (lawyer fees, loss of housing, etc.) and she still says this is all my fault.

I need help or understanding of a few things. Is it normal to hate her to the point of tears? To be around her in rages me to want to physically hurt her. Now I try not to deal with her but now I’m having nightmares that involve me fighting, cursing, and really being violent with her. I want to not be bothered with her at all, but she has convinced my kids that I’m the problem and I won’t have a relationship with them because I don’t want then to think they have to choose between us.

My problem is her, but she makes people think I’m a monster. Yes I’ve done things as a teenager but I’m grown now I take care of me and I took care of her for years when none of my sisters would (she was ill at one time). I just don’t understand how we went from one thing to another. I really HATE her with all my being and it makes me sick on my stomach to have to deal with her at all. Can anyone help or even offer some form of advice. Is it a nightmare or lifemare?


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