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During all this time, we have wanted to stop this development. We have tried to make a conscience choice to give up on whatever the outcome of this situation maybe. We have analyzed our circumstances and we have purposed that we do not want our interactions to escalate into a relationship. A relationship of permanence, of endurance. It is said the heart is treacherous and who can know it.

Imagine we have talked over and over again and at length about the outcome and what we definitely don’t want to generate to a male/female relationship and/or a “courtship” that would lead to no where. Yet we continue to talk, interact, relate and these are causing us to grow in our fondness of each other. Our thoughts of each other are becoming refined. They are being defined. We are now seeing each other in a different “light” (so to speak). You are seeing my heart open and exposed. You are seeing how it beats for you, how it feels for you, how it longs for you. This I did not want you to see because it is not appropriate to your circumstances our mine.

I am “seeing” you, I am seeing your heart, your desires, your feelings, your motives, your intent for me and towards me. I am overwhelmed by what I have seen and what I am seeing. How do we now stop this wheel from turning? How do we stop our heart from feeling the way we do? It is painful just to imagine that it is not real what we feel, it is not realistic or practical, it cannot mature to anything more at this time. The obstacles that stand in the way cannot be ignored. They are part of who we are, they define us. I selfishly wish that you can accept my entire life, embrace me, my faith, my belief, my circumstances, my personal challenges, my flaws and faults, my failures and successes. Just come to me and stay with me. I want that for me and for you. But it is much more than what I want. It is more what God’s will for my life is, that I cannot and should not forfeit.

I made a dedication to him, a vow to him, to serve him forever. I gave my life to the doing of his will and as good as this feels and a much as I desire you, your entire being, the whole you, I desire to please my God, more. If he wishes he can gave you to me, he can move all the obstacles that stand in the way of me having you but it must be his doing and not mine. He is the God of faithful and righteous acts. I prayed that he gives me the strength to keep my integrity to him to fortify my heart with his righteous requirements, to keep hope alive that he will grant me the desires of my heart.

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