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April Foolin’ Around: The Visiting Visionary

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Time to spring out of that March madness and get your April showers of love on! Tis the month for taxes, Easter, and spring. But first, let’s take a moment to reflect on what the stars are telling us by checking in with the real April Fools—tabloid celebrities who share your sign and what it says about you!


Aries
Right now you’re all about making headlines for the right reasons, Reese Witherspoon style … minus the current blockbuster hit and Jake Gyllenhaal. But still—yay you! You’re facing the new season with an extra step in your giddy-up, possibly due to the impending tax return you’re expecting to go toward that new pair of … food on the kitchen table. Yeah, the economy is still in the crapper, but oh, look at the pretty flowers!   


Taurus
This month you’re going to rise above the tabloid lifestyle and bring a little class into your world, like what Cate Blanchett did for Benjamin Button. You’re itching for more reasons than those pesky allergies, that’s for sure. You’re a bull with clout, ready to lock horns with any obstacles thrown your way. Just be sure to keep it on the Blanchett tip and not fall into the Dennis Rodman trap. Enough said.


Gemini
Your adaptability is going to be pushed to the limits this month as you plan to spring clean your life. So why not kick up the insanity a notch? Naomi Campbell your way out of that job you hate. (Come on, you know you want to snap the boss man in the back of the head with your Blackberry!) Maybe give in to your drunken impulses and get your Natalie Portman style on by hooking up with the old married guy and chalk it up to Spring Fever.


Cancer
Uh oh. The good news is that you’re one degree from Kevin Bacon. The bad news is that you don’t want to be the next Kevin Bacon. Get those taxes in order—stat; don’t be Bernie Madoff’d by some sketchy accountant. You can’t afford to fall into any money woes, especially if you are lacking the celebrity career and big bank rolls.


Leo
You’re a total Madonna—hankering for some love and attention. But you don’t need to add a Malawian baby to the brood in an effort to find someone to control and adore you blindly. Five o’clock cocktails in a fashion-forward frock could do the same trick. I mean, having a spring fling would be a heck of a lot easier than going all Angelina, wouldn’t you say?


Virgo
You’re not really interested in suffering fools this month. I mean, it’s tax season for Christ’s sake. You have things to do, affairs to get in order. That’s right; you share the same sign as LeeAnn Rimes! So be careful out there—try not to get involved with people with rings on their finger, especially if you have to deal with these people on any ongoing basis. Remember, nobody likes a home wrecker, Eddie Cibrian excluded, of course. And Angelina Jolie. And Elizabeth Taylor.


Libra
You’re going to want to stay away from your inner Ashlee Simpson and instead tap into the idealistic side of yourself. Don’t worry about whether or not you’re a DiCaprio—every Leo should be looking at Kate Winslet as an example. Try to exude the same grace and optimism and it should bring out the winner in you. Who knows, you might even end up with your own little golden man! Though don’t blame me if it’s more in the form of that persistent neighbor who insists on rocking a lot of gold. Astrology can leave room for error!  


Scorpio
Beware of the Joaquin Phoenix syndrome. You might feel like warming up to your kooky side, but you’re probably better off paying attention to your self-dignity instead. In other words, step away from the bolo tie and top hat … you’d be wiser to make a splash by bringing your nearest and dearest together for a barbecue and hooking up the karaoke machine. At home.


Sagittarius
Your sign is a hotbed of paparazzi royalty: Britney Spears, Scarlett Johansson, Brad Pitt, and Shel Silverstein— the list goes on and on. So what does that say about you, Sag? Why, you’re survivors, of course. With the end of Lent fast approaching, it’s goodbye self-sacrifices, hello beloved vices! So go ahead and crack into that chocolate-covered cigarette with a tequila chaser and live it up, tabloid magnet-style. You earned it.


Capricorn
You’ve got the prestige of Carolyn Kennedy and Sir Anthony Hopkins in your astrological circle, but you’re also looking at Nicolas Cage and Howard Stern on the other side of that coin. So it’s up to you to figure out what direction you want to lean toward this month. While it may seem obvious which path is best, you might want to stay away from bad hair plugs, knockoff Asian action flicks, and filthy strip joints, just to be safe.  


Aquarius
You’re a host with the most! With the vibes of Ellen and Oprah circling your astrological aura, the time is now to use that wit in your favor and start firing up the crowds for success. I’m not saying you have to use free cars, trips to Hawaii, and white-girl dance moves to do it, though let’s be honest, it might help. If not feasible, then go with your best traits and earn the prosperity you deserve.


Pisces
Ugh, the New Year has been rough on you. While you may not have endured as much “Disturbia” as your fellow Pisces Rihanna, you might want to use April to reexamine those bad situations you’ve found yourself in and GET OUT. After all, you’re gorgeous, talented, and I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have the Jay Zs in my corner than the Diddys out there. It’s time to move onward and upward!


The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We’ll focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.

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