Beware all who enter. These may be the most acerbic of predictions, for the most horrendous of holidays, in the most hated of all months, the day that plagues singletons and bitter married couples alike … dum, dum, dum—Valentine’s Day. While love is supposed to be in the air and the eyes are supposed to be on the stars, it’s the mind that’s more important—and mine’s in the gutter.
You’re in a look before you leap kinda spirit, but beware of leaping anywhere with hipsters from shadowy bars. Who you thought was an ultra-sensitive type from a whiny boy band will eventually put you in a compromising position with a foot fetishist named Marge. And your increased impartiality this month may have you considering Marge as a possible Valentine—you’ll even tell yourself the wispy beard is almost manly. But remember, it’s important to avoid the temptation of a full social agenda this V-Day. Your inherent selfish side will cause future conflicts when arguing over who uses the razor for what.
This month, you’re all about professional focus. You will neglect your social life and the gym, believing that diuretics will clear up those bull-like cankles. Your social life (in response to cankles) will then neglect you. This will push your relationships to become practical rather than emotional, causing some indecision around the 10th—but remember, escort services require an advanced reservation for the 14th. Choose wisely, greedy Taurus—Jupiter is planning to bring you something substantial. Temptation arrives at $175/hour, but never forget that “substantial gifts” may bear heavy burdens. It’s no coincidence that V-Day bears an uncanny resemblance to VD.
The new moon eclipse in your house on the 9th has you longing to broaden your horizons. But because Saturn is getting annoyed with Uranus this month, try to keep it to intellectual exploration with the boyfriend. All his Valentine’s Day hints about treats of the backdoor kind will only lead to pain. If mental adventures simply will not satisfy this February, your enthusiasm for observation and learning are showing strong in your chart this month. Voyeurism never hurt anyone; or at the very least, it has no discernible effect on hemorrhoids.
Good news coming on the 6th—you’ll be dumped. Or maybe you’ll dump somebody. Or maybe you’ve just been too cautious to actually embroil yourself with unsuitable mates that will force you to shell out tons of money for flowers and candy that nobody really wants. But don’t get all overemotional and touchy about the impending breakup—it may just be an argument with your strangely anti-social single neighbor.
You’re all about improving your personal relationships this month. There may be some need to focus on repairing rifts—you’re innate bossiness may have carried that little BDSM stunt a bit too far. But, because of your affable nature, you’ll be forgiven and even able to keep your New Year’s resolution of finally adding a gimp to the mix. Cosmic shifts show that it’s a good time to reclaim your stage—feel free to add dramatic language. The stars point to speeches involving, “Suck my filthy stiletto, you useless plebe.”
You’re the virgin sign and this is a month where not gettin’ some will make others treat you like a communicable disease. There’s no love in your charts, so just give up. Crawl in a hole. Take your fussy self and obsess over aforementioned hole, until even it begins to feel overanalyzed. After you’ve harangued various inanimate objects into submission, you may feel the need for spiritual renewal and rest. For you, this will involve taunting special needs children in order to feel perfect. Now that you’ve found balance, you may begin to feel urges toward the end of the month for something more stimulating. This may be a good time to reacquaint yourself with the vibrator. Not to use of course, but merely to criticize for its lack of length, spontaneity, and thoughtfulness.
This may just be your ideal month. Not due to the aligning of stars, but simply because you’re a romance whore. It’s nothing but smooth sailing, doing what you love best—focusing all your energy on everyone else and throwing charm around like puke on a Tilt-a-Whirl. However, your judgment may be questioned. Go easy on yourself. Pyramid schemes involving Tupperware as an element of erotica have been fooling Libras everywhere since the 1950s.
Clashes between Saturn and Uranus are on the horizon, so never leave home without the Astroglide. This could be a precursor to serious emotional conflict. Your excitable nature may be drawn to provocative ideas of fanny offensives, but real world applications of such ideas will leave you somewhat torn. Although you’ll be attracted to the conflict, there’s no guarantee that the relationship will survive. Certain things may transpire that neither of you will forget. In the end, be open to thoughtful observations, as there’s a lot of enlightenment coming this month. When he says your bark is worse than your bite—he means your breath. If he says he adores your brown eye—the use of singular wasn’t a grammatical error. And if he hints at wanting to bring around more sexual chocolate—you’re not getting a box or candy.
You won’t be able to sit still this month. This may be because you’re a promiscuous little minx and with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, there’s always someone new and exciting to sit on. This is an important time to remember not to sweat the small stuff—what he lacks in size will be made up for with imaginative role-playing. Be prepared. Some Sagittarians might encounter certain experiences that will leave them with a feeling of information overload. So, if someone brings out an ice bath and suggests you stop breathing, just try to be open to these new and exciting opportunities. And remember to count your blessings; at least you’re not a Virgo. Because even if you’re getting uncomfortably kinky … you’re still getting some.
Opportunities will arise this month. And he’s not getting any younger, so seize the day. But be cautious, the personal and financial clash this month and your natural tendencies toward miserly penny-pinching will lead you to the bargain basement of erotica. Practice good judgment and remember that no nipple clip worth its salt is made in China. The planetary lineup in your chart for 2009 clearly point to certain things that should be avoided throughout the month—long walks on the beach, long-lost family members named Jebediah, and heart-shaped boxes of chocolate with peculiarly leaky insides. Love is in the air, but particularly amorous pranksters shouldn’t inject it into your chocolate.
Your year started with a bang—and you haven’t had one since. This month is all about taking initiative. And occasions will present themselves toward the 6th—of course most of this is due to a late night Facebook overload, obsessing over various ex-boyfriends and their fabulous lives—but thanks to your impartial nature, you’ll counter these feelings by signing up for every internet dating service you can find. So, on the 6th, drop all expectations and choose beyond the normal barriers—but draw the line if you meet a tiny, toothless man called Theron. That guy is trouble. Put yourself first and try to find some balance—even if you find yourself in the reverse cowgirl. So if things seem to slow down later on—and by things, I mean the person you’re finding balance with who isn’t Theron—then sit back, relax, and remember that this is your month to take the initiative; and by initiative I mean grab the brass ring by doing the five-knuckle muffin shuffle.
You’re feeling sensitive and reflective this month. In fact, around the 9th, you may feel the need to make changes. Your underwear is a great place to start. Choose the white pair—you’ll find yourself less itchy than with the sparkly pink ones. Your indulgences of escapist fantasy from last month have come back to bite you in the bum—literally. Remember, only in bad TV miniseries can you flaunt your fantastical idealism by dabbling with shirtless street men without feeling inflamed in a way that requires antibiotics.